I kind of hate TK right now. There’s a story that’s been sitting uncovered for a few days, and I’ve been passively-aggressively avoiding it thinking that surely! Surely! TK would run with it. Right? I mean, there’s an understanding. He takes the comic book stuff and the superheroes and the cartoons and the ’80s action reboots, and I take the whimsiquirkilicious coming of age Juno wept stuff. He covers Ryan Reynolds when he’s wearing a costume, and I cover him when he’s wearing Sandra Bullock.
We had an implicit understanding!
And yet here I am telling you that the dudes who wrote the new fucking Predators reboot have now been tasked with scripting the new He-Man movie.
In the eyehole, sir. Right in the eyehole.
So, here it is: Mike Finch and Alex Litvak are writing Masters of the Universe for Columbia. Voila!
Now, you may recall that, some time ago, we announced that another studio was putting together a Masters of the Universe movie. See, what happened there was that Warner Brothers hired Justin “I Can Walk Through Rain Drops” Marks to pen the script, and that was a mistake because Marks (Street Fighter: Legend of Chun Li) knows as much about screenwriting as I do about He-Man, which is basically: “I have the pooooower! *lightening bolt* So, Warner Brothers killed the project, and Columbia secured the rights away for the Mattel property.
Now, what Mike Finch and Alex Litvak have allegedly done is to “balance a treatment that would convince the studio it was cinematic and keep the toy company satisfied that its characters were being portrayed appropriately.” What that means is that their He-Man won’t be doing any of that inappropriate shit you used to do with your He-Man toys when you were a teenager. That shit with the Battle Cat? That wasn’t right, although it explains He-Man’s lack of manhood ifyouknowwhatimean.
Or, in other words: They’re probably going to make a G-Rated He-Man movie. He-Man is going to save the world from an evil talking fish.
Look for it in theaters in 2013.