The sequel no one wanted, starring the actor everyone wishes would go away, brought to you by the producer whose name is synonymous with shit. Disney is proud to present Pirates of the Caribbean 5: Shoulder Deep in the Dead Horse’s Ass, and would like to remind naysayers that they now have the power to cast Johnny Depp as Darth Sparrow and Shia LeBeouf as Han Solo, Jr. if you rouse their anger. And they don’t even have to wake up Walt’s frozen head for permission.
Well I for one am not afraid, even if Michael Eisner did stitch Walt’s head onto a gigantic genetically engineered mouse. So let’s look at the plot summary for PotC 5: A Least It’s Not a Michael Bay Joint.
Thrust into an all-new adventure, a down-on-his-luck Captain Jack Sparrow finds the winds of ill-fortune blowing even more strongly when deadly ghost pirates led by his old nemesis, the terrifying Captain Salazar (Bardem), escape from the Devil’s Triangle, determined to kill every pirate at sea…including him. Captain Jack’s only hope of survival lies in seeking out the legendary Trident of Poseidon, a powerful artifact that bestows upon its possessor total control over the seas.
This is too much to take in all at once. This needs dissected like the fetid corpse floating in sewage reclamation plant it so resembles.
” Thrust into an all-new adventure”: I do like how they are defensive enough to claim in the first phrase, no seriously, it’s going to be different the fifth time around.
” a down-on-his-luck Captain Jack Sparrow”: If you start the fifth consecutive movie down on your luck, one might need to reevaluate one’s expectations and realize that this is just life.
“finds the winds of ill-fortune blowing even more strongly”: Oh a nautical metaphor, how fucking clever!
“when deadly ghost pirates”: This actually would be a bit of originality, since all the ghost pirates of the previous films have been completely incapable of being deadly to anyone with a SAG card. Except for Legolas. Ha! Fuck that guy.
“led by his old nemesis”: Has Jack Sparrow ever spent more than three minutes with a person and not ended up being their nemesis?
” the terrifying”: Well, you know, the PG-13 version of this word. I.e., not terrifying.
“Captain Salazar”: Oh so the bad guy is named Salazar. Racists. Unless he’s Spanish. Maybe. I don’t know. This got awkward. Ah, but Disney’s old enough that hating non-whites meant hating Catholics, so it’s probably still racist.
“(Bardem)”: Hey, good for him! He’s finally getting a proper phoning it in for a paycheck role.
“escape from the Devil’s Triangle”: Should have put him in Hades’ Quadrilateral. No one ever escapes from there.
“determined to kill every pirate at sea”: So, the bad guy is like the Coast Guard?
“…including him”: See, he’s being inclusive instead of discriminatory
“Captain Jack’s only hope of survival lies”: In guyliner and plot MacGuffins?
“in seeking out the legendary Trident of Poseidon”: Well, I got one out of two. I don’t suppose there’s a reason why the Greek god of the sea’s toy is over in the Caribbean, is there?
“a powerful artifact”: As opposed to all of those worthless artifacts that serve as plot points.
“that bestows upon its possessor”: This is why most RPGs added level requirements to artifact level items. That way any idiot doing a Keith Richards impression can’t just become king of the sea.
“total control over the seas”: Ooh, I bet that once Jack gets it, it will totally be a relevant plot point in future films instead of just tossed overboard like every previous random item he has ever spent an entire movie acquiring.
Pirates of the Caribbean V: Aquatic Boogaloo will be released worldwide at a future date that I don’t care enough to look up, but hope is scheduled after the annihilation of the human species so that only irradiated cockroaches and Walt Disney’s undead mouse god emperor can witness our folly.