Yesterday the first poster for next summer’s all-female Ocean’s [insert number here] sequel was released. And it was a total bait and switch! Which is appropriate for a movie franchise about con people pulling con jobs and generally conning around for fun and profit, but still. I was promised a movie with eight famous women. Hell, THIS POSTER promises a movie starring Sandra Bullock, Cate Blanchett, Anne Hathaway, Rihanna, Mindy Kaling, Sarah Paulson, Awkwafina, and Helena Bonham Carter. That sounds great, right? I love those women! I would love to watch them pull a heist together! That would be rad as hell!
Unfortunately, I can’t tell if any of those actors actually appear in Ocean’s 8 because I literally can’t tell who the fuck is on this poster. I like the concept — the whole cast lined up in profile wearing coats, sunglasses, and smirks — but unless you have a particularly famous nose or something, profile shots aren’t always recognizable. As evidenced here, where it seems the studio intentionally selected the MOST unrecognizable shots of these women and slapped them together. The only person who looks like herself is Rihanna, but that somehow makes it worse. She appears to have a shelf for a forehead, or maybe the start of a unicorn horn just barely trying to poke through? Some sort of swollen head injury maybe? What I’m saying is: that may be Rihanna, but that ain’t MY RiRi.
As for the others? Well, I think the movie stars, from left to right, Tom Cruise, Carly Simon, Amal Clooney, Universal’s WOLFMAN!, Rihanna-corn, Emily Blunt, Napoleon, and Jacob Tremblay. It’s impossible to tell with the bug glasses, and just gets more difficult as you go down the row, but I’m gonna say I’m right. And actually, now that I think about it, I’m equally excited to see the movie with either cast.
The sequel to Steven Soderbergh’s Ocean’s trilogy is directed by Gary Ross (The Hunger Games). The film finds Debbie Ocean (Bullock), the sister of George Clooney’s Danny Ocean, getting out of jail and (naturally) deciding to pull another heist, because apparently that shit is genetic. She pulls together a badass crew and sets off to steal jewels at the annual Met Gala. Methinks Anna Wintour will be PISSED. Or not, because that’s like 8 red carpet stunners who are guaranteed to show up. OMG WHAT IF WINTOUR IS IN ON IT?
We’ll find out what happens and who’s in it next summer, when Ocean’s 8 hits theaters.