Let’s play a game, shall we? No, not the one where we make up hybrid animal names. It’s only Monday — let’s save that silliness for later in the week, when the days drag and/or North Korea is launching another fucking missile.
Instead, I’m going to show you a movie poster, and together we can brainstorm all the shit it looks like. Sort of a freeform stream of consciousness pop culture inkblot test, only with really fucking terrible photoshop. Ready? Here is the just released new movie poster for Tomb Raider, starring Alicia Vikander, Alicia Vikander’s trust pick axe, and Walton Goggins. Also I think fuckin’ McNulty plays Papa Tomb Raider. The movie is based on a series of video games and presumably not a prequel/sequel to the Angelina Jolie movies based on the same series of video games. Also this movie is directed by a Norwegian named Roar Uthaug.
(brb, gotta go add “Roar” to my list of totally awesome potential babies)
Ok, here’s the poster:
Ready? I’ll kick things off. This movie poster looks like:
- a Uwe Boll film
- An Inconvenient Truth Part Three: Dude, Where’s My Glacier?
- Or maybe An Inconvenient Splash: Dude, Where’s My Mermaid Tail?
- they wanted to do the typical tits-and-ass pose because it’s Lara Croft, but it’s based on the new game where she’s less busty and cartoonish so they only went halfway, with just a hint of boob protruding from her defined arm muscles (#showingrestraint)
- an Emily Blunt-centric prequel to Edge of Tomorrow
- there is an alien invasion but they haven’t settled on the space ship design yet so they figured “let’s just add some red glowy shit to the skyline and also let’s make sure there’s a hint of Vikander’s boob visible”
- Ex Machina: When Robots Get Pick Axes
- Lara Croft wishes she’d left the pick axe and brought an oar
- Lara Croft is waiting for the shark from Jaws to show up… and then she’s gonna hit him with her pick axe
- Because seriously, why did she bring a damn pick axe to the ocean?
- Is that an arrow in the title treatment? Is she Katniss Everdeen?
- Is it a broom? IS LARA CROFT A WITCH NOW?
- Is the “tomb” gonna be Atlantis this time around?
- Inexplicable red lens flare courtesy of JJ Abrams
- Vikings: Season 7
- And finally: The world’s most confusing Ocean Spray cranberry ad
What do you guys think it looks like? Sound off in the comments! Tomb Raider will be in theaters March 2018 — and keep your eyes peeled, because supposed the trailer is gonna drop tomorrow!