I’m sorry, but the Hasbro game Battleship is one of the worst so-called board games in the history of board games. There’s no fucking strategy — it’s just random dumb luck. The only appeal was in the electronic version, which at least provided some shitty sound effects, which were more satisfying than announcing, “You sunk my battleship, shit-fer-brains!” Without the effects, it was just randomly calling out a series of numbers until you lucked upon your opponent’s ship. It’s about as fun as building a brush fire with plucked pubes.
Of course, that’s not stopping Hollywood from churning out a feature film based on the game, which is one helluva dumb idea. Are actual ships going to shoot torpedoes across the ocean blind-folded? The only way a movie like this can stay true to the source material is if it stars a bunch of blind naval commanders. Sounds like a role for Cuba Gooding.
Anyway, the worst part of all this is that the Hasbro producers have actually coerced a decent filmmaker to direct. Peter Berg (Hancock, Friday Night Lights) will helm, and brothers Jon and Erich Hoeber to write the script. The two don’t have anything notable yet, but they’ve already written the scripts for an upcoming Kate Beckinsale project, Whiteout and a Bruce Willis flick, Red. There’s really only one way to save this film. Cast Sam Jackson, and include a clause in his contract requiring him to say the lines, “You sunk my motherfucking battleship.”
In addition to Battleship, Hasbro has three other movies in development, including the Michael Bay produced Ouija Board, the Kevin Lima directed Candyland, and the Ridley Scott helmed Monopoloy.
Where’s the Scrabble porn flick already?