Disposable Viacom executive Philippe Dauman managed to get quoted talking about a Paranormal Activity sequel: “Our team will come up with the right creative and marketing approach.” You know, a really easy and proven way of doing just that would be to cut Oren Peli a check for $15,000, which is probably less than Dauman comps per month on power lunches, but that’s just not the way the playbook is written. First you ditch the original director and writer, then you multiply the budget by a thousand, and finally, make sure the “finished” product is in theaters within a year. It never works, but by golly, it’s the way we do it in this town.
2012 hasn’t yet polluted theaters with its vile mixture of fake CGI and the bloated corpse of John Cusack’s dignity, but Roland Emmerich has already announced that he’s developing a follow up television series called … wait for it … “2013.” Get it? Because that’s the number after 2012. Fucking brilliant! They do realize that even if the series launches next year, if it makes it to the second half of a second season, it will actually be 2012 … and either the mother of all Montezuma’s revenges will kill us all or they’ll look really silly in retrospect. Naturally, the executive producer Emmerich has brought on board is Howard Gordon, who’s worked on “Grey’s Anatomy” and “Private Practice.” Best cross over ever: “Tonight, Seattle Grace is swallowed by a volcano.”
And just to finish killing off any brain cells of yours that managed to hide behind their slaughtered comrades: Sony Pictures is making a movie based on the board game “Risk.” Disposable executive Brian Goldner of Hasbro vomited this onto a press release: “audiences have shown a great desire for films that bring to life everything that has made these franchise properties stand the test of time.” I just can’t think of anything snarky enough to top the sheer idiocy of that sentence, so I’ll just make a simple suggestion that would make this movie way better than it has any right to be: Clive Barker’s “Babel’s Children.”