I don’t think it’s even up for debate that the very best part of New Girl is whenever they’ve played True American, which for the uninitiated is 50% drinking game, 50% life-size Candy Land. So I’m sure you’ll all be as excited as I was to learn that the game has been optioned for a film adaptation! This is great news, and nothing out of the ordinary. Clue, of course, started the board game-turned movie trend, but there’s also been Battleship, and talk of Risk and Candyland movies. True American will be directed by…*checking notes* Kathryn Bigelow. Hmm. This seems an odd choice for her. And it will star… Tom Hardy? Really?
Hold on a sec. Here, keep yourself occupied with this GIF of Winston yawning…
Okay, sorry about that. So, bad news. It turn out this movie isn’t about the game that’s 75% drinking, 20 Candy Land, with a floor of molten lava. According to the press release from Cannes,
THE TRUE AMERICAN meticulously reconstructs two lives that collided in horrific fashion. In the charged, angry days after 9/11, self-styled “American Terrorist” Mark Stroman murdered two immigrants in Texas, while a third man survived being shot in the head during Stroman’s spree: Raisuddin Bhuiyan, a Bangladesh Air Force veteran, was working at a Dallas-area convenience store as he established himself in America.
Damn it! Well, I mean… Bigalow. And Hardy. I guess that’s a pretty acceptable consolation prize. Sorry about the mix-up everyone. I’m going to blame the fact that it’s a thousand degrees inside my apartment right now, okay? Great.