When my nieces and possible future nephews eventually ask me what life was like when I was but a small child, I hope their mothers will forgive me when I respond, “Well, children, when I was very little, one of the most popular rock stars of the day had a song and music video all about how hard it was to resist fucking the child next door.” I don’t mean to impugn Mr. Idol’s character, or even to blame him for the whole idea of the underage vixen. He clearly didn’t come up with the idea, it’s just the one that seemed the most blatantly wrong to me. Because even as a small child, I knew: that hot, flexible, teenage girl did not want to fuck that old dude.
And this is the part where I assure everyone that teenage girls have sexual agency, and do, in fact, often want to bone down. I’m not trying to pathologize any perfectly healthy sexual appetites or yuck anybody’s yums. Plenty of teenage girls do want to have sex. With boys. Boys who are mostly their age. They might even want to have sex with some grown men who are slightly age inappropriate, but those are usually your young-ish movie stars and musicians whose target audience are teenage girls. Your … Harry Styles maybe? A Jonas brother? Pattinson? Is he still a thing? Various younger Hemsworths? Look, clearly I myself am out of touch with who teenage girls want to be touching because I thought I could slip Channing Tatum in here (that’s what she (a fully grown woman) said) before realizing he’s thirty-seven-goddamn-years old. So, not him.
But also not random, uptight, neighbor guy from “Cradle of Love”, not currently-still-good-looking-but-way-too-old-for-teenage-crushes Jude Law, and sure as fucking shit not Woody Allen. You might remember that in Kristy’s sadly needed, weekly round-up of guys who can fuck right the fuck off, there was news about Woody Allen’s newest film where forty-four-year-old Jude Law’s character has a sexual relationship with a fifteen-year-old played by Elle Fanning. Because the world runs on our nightmares now. In addition to just being every kind of tone deaf and skeevy, Allen delightfully characterizes Fanning’s character as a “concubine” (don’t @ me that maybe Allen didn’t characterize it that way. Who the fuck else still uses the term “concubine” besides a gross eighty-year-old-dude?).
So while I feel like an overwhelming, hopefully absolute, segment of our readership knows this, I’m still going to throw it out there: Teenage girls don’t want to fuck old men. Not even the ones that Allen and other dirt bags might consider “trying to be sexy.”
A) Those girls aren’t actually trying to be sexy, and we, because we’re gross, sexualize the things women and girls do even when we’re just trying to be out in the world getting shit done and not sweating our tits off.
B) Maybe they were trying to be sexy, but not for you. Maybe it was for that hot guy or girl from Spanish class. Maybe for the slightly-older-but-still-age-appropriate college kid next door. Maybe it was for their own goddamn selves. Whatever it was, “being sexy” isn’t actually a signal that “that child wants to fuck me.”
Because only slightly more important than the “fifteen-year-olds don’t want to fuck old guys” lesson is the secondary lesson; if a fifteen-year-old truly wants and attempts to fuck a middle-aged man, you’ve got to call child protective services. If a teenager actually ever tries to initiate the physical act of love making (gross), your thought should be, “Oh no, I hope this wildly inappropriate behavior isn’t the result of some sort of traumatic abuse in this young person’s life. Either way, I need to call the authorities because, were this child to hit on a less scrupulous adult, she might find herself in a terrible situation. We need someone to keep her from possibly harming herself.” You don’t think, “So it’s cool to fuck this, right?”
Those are, by the way, the only two options. Either she doesn’t want to fuck you and you’re imagining things, or she does want to fuck you and something has gone horribly wrong. But not even the Godfather of Gross Woody Allen believes that fifteen-year-olds being sexually interested in middle-aged men is normal. You know how we know that? Because he didn’t call Elle Fanning’s character “Totally Well Adjusted And Healthy Young Woman,” he called her a fucking “concubine.” It’s almost as if the entire idea of jailbait is a fantasy perpetuated by older men to justify their attraction to teenage girls, and transfer all responsibility for that attraction into the girls by labeling them with some vague, hyper-sexual misnomer.
Also, you know, Woody Allen’s a giant sack of shit and everyone should stop working with/paying attention to him. (Especially you, Cate. We haven’t forgotten that Blue Jasmine shit.)
The header is from that one time Gretchen pooped herself on You’re The Worst. It was gross, but in a funny way. You’re The Worst is on Wednesdays. You should watch it. It’s great.