Warner Brothers has released its first official image of the Nightmare on Elm Street remake, which features Jackie Earle Haley in the Freddy Krueger role. And apparently, we’re supposed to extrapolate something out of this goddamn photo.
So, here’s what we know: The cinematographer is familiar with shadowing. Freddy is still a fan of striped shirts. He wears his hat low. He may or may not have a touch of scoliosis. He likes to hang out in classrooms after hours. And he strikes fear in his victims by scraping his blade on chalkboards.
So, there you go, folks. Nightmare on Elm Street (2010) is gonna be awesome. It says so right there in the image. And if you don’t see it, you’re just not looking close enough, asshole. Oh, here’s something else you might be able to detect if you look closely enough: Michael Bay is a fucking half-brained, memory-raping moron.
Thanks Warner Brothers!
Oh, wait! There’s more. Here’s the new Nightmare on Elm Street “teaser” poster. What the fuck is a “teaser” poster? It’s either a poster or it’s not a poster. And unless it tickles balls, I wouldn’t call it a teaser poster.