David Twohy and Vin Diesel better get their asses moving before people stop giving a fuck about this character.
The story of Richard Riddick’s (Escaped convict. Murderer) cinematic history is an interesting one. The first film, Pitch Black, borrowed heavily from any number of science fiction films, yet managed to inject enough character, interesting effects, innovative creature design and cool ideas to make it a near-perfect B-movie. It was fun, exciting, and entertaining. Not to mention freaky and pretty bloody. They were off to a fine start.
Then came The Chronicles of Riddick, David Twohy’s ambitious, intergalactic saga that was supposed to instill Riddick into a grandiose, Star-Wars-scaled universe with its own unique mythology, civilizations and philosophies.
It pretty much sucked.
Actually, that’s not true — it completely sucked. Every time I watch that movie, I find new and unusual ways that it sucks that I missed the first time. It literally gets worse with every viewing. Why do I keep watching it, you may ask? That’s an excellent question, and I think you should mind your own fucking business.
Anyway, Chronicles was originally supposed to be part of a trilogy, and it appears that, mercifully and hopefully, that plan has been scrapped, instead seeking to recapture the look and feel of the original film. Coming Attractions has reviewed the script, and given out some interesting tidbits (via Bloody Disgusting). First, it has a title: The Chronicles of Riddick: Dead Man Stalking.
Strike. Fucking. One. God, that’s a terrible title. OK, let’s move on.
There’s also a bit of plot synopsis — I’m not going to delve too much into the script itself because I’m virulently anti-spoiler (which means that, should you get your hands on a copy, keep that shit to yourself, you hear me?). But the story “features the character Riddick (Vin Diesel) — the most wanted man in the galaxy — left for dead on a barren alien planet, dealing with “trisons” (three-legged bisons) and “mud demons.” He must then contend with two squads of bounty hunters, one of which ride rockets called jetcycles.”
Oh, what the fuck. Seriously? This is what it’s going to come to? An entire plot based on combining two words to make a new one? Trisons? I’m supposed to be intrigued and scared by a a big three legged cow? Mud Demons? Jetcycles? Egads, Twohy. Wasn’t there a time when you were considered original? What the fuck happened? Look, I appreciate the attempt to capture the vibe that made the first movie great, but could we do it in a fashion that doesn’t seem so… 10th grade sci-fi?
Anyway, the only good news is that they won’t be watering the character down at all — according to Coming Attractions, it’s “a hard R script — it’s full of death action and peppered with nasty, filthy language.”
I am Jack’s complete and utter lack of optimism. Not to mention his complete and utter self-hatred, because I know I’ll see the damned thing when it comes out.
Oh, here’s some early concept art, to try to get you to not think everything you just read is colossally lame (h/t to Deistbrawler):