Look, now: I love Taylor Kitsch. Taylor Kitsch is awesome. I want to have a beer with him and keep him away from my little sister. And for a 29-year-old, he’s great at playing a 19-year-old in “Friday Night Lights.” And that, folks, is probably why he’s not the best choice to play the lead in Peter Berg’s Battleship (based on the board game, plus aliens!). Kitsch has taken the role that Jeremy Renner could not because of scheduling conflicts, and let’s just say: Taylor Kitsch and Jeremy Renner should never be considered for the same role, unless that role is a love slave.
In Battleship, according to THR, Kitsch will play a Naval commander named Alex Hopper, described as “wildly spirited” and “a great seaman but a lousy politician.” Wildly spirited may be pushing the edges of Kitsch’s range, but a lousy politician suggests that he’s old enough to be in the political game at all. That’s not the case.
The bad news, I would think, is that Kitsch — in order to play a seamen — will likely have to cut those Kitschian locks, and if his hair is not hanging over his face, how will he show emotion? That’s the key Kitschian movie: look longingly through greasy hair, then slowly push it back while standing Marlboro Man-style up against a wall. Sorry ladies, I didn’t mean to disturb the environment of your undies.
But then again, the worst news of all, of course, is that there’s a movie based on Battleship being made at all, much less one that involves fucking aliens. Indeed, the next time you’re playing Battleship with your nephew, right before he sinks your battleship, just throw the board game onto the floor and run like madman screaming “The aliens! The aliens!”
It’s the foolproof method for never having to play Battleship with your nephew again. Battleship sucks.
But before I leave you, because I treated the fellas to a little Kristen Bell yesterday, this is for the ladies: