Tim Urban — that fey little Sanjaya elf with the pecs of steel, the Cheshire teeth, and the voice of John Rzeznik, if Rzeznik had a hole in his throat — was finally booted from “American Idol” last night, which I know primarily because Dan (who is covering “American Idol” for the Houston Press) seemed to lose his shit with excitement over Urban’s ouster. Now, Urban can take that shitty little million dollar smile of his and use it to upsell car-wash packages back in his hometown of Duncanville, Texas.
But this news isn’t about Tim Urban, it’s about Kara DioGuardi, the rambling “American Idol” judge who is under the woeful misconception that people actually give a shit about what she says when in fact many have actually programmed their DVRs to automatically fast forward when she speaks. And the news is this: Kara DioGuardi came up with a script story and harangued some poor woman named Christina Kline to fashion it into a script. The title of the potential movie shares the same name, Baby Love, with a near-unlistenable song that DioGuardi wrote for Nicole Scherzinger and will.i.am. The script is a romantic comedy, of course, about a successful NY investment firm owner who has a mid life crisis after her mother dies, dumps her boyfriend, and travels to Harvard to find the perfect sperm donor.
Wow! A sperm donor comedy. It’s a good thing there’s not a glut of those coming out in the next year (Change-Up with Jason Bateman and Jennifer Aniston, and The Kids Are All Right with Annette Bening), otherwise DioGuardi might have inadvertently stumbled upon an idea that hadn’t been cooked to death.
I’ve also checked the lyrics to DioGuardi’s “Baby Love,” and I’m fairly certain, now, that the dialogue will go something like this:
La la la la
We so in love
La la la la la
And I just can’t get enough
Of your la la la la love
Yeah it’s all I’m thinking of
I want you to know
Christine Kline — whose only other previous writing credit is a movie of little note, FightFuckPray — has completed the la la oooh oooh la script, and DioGuardi is shopping it around town now.
(Insert Pained Randy Jackson Clichéd Exclamation Here)