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Classical Bible Stories Get Modernized. Or Not. It's Complicated... Meaning Stupid.

By TK Burton | Industry | January 10, 2011 |

By TK Burton | Industry | January 10, 2011 |

Oh Hollywood, you continue to delight me. Running out of comic books, novels, and foreign films to adapt, Relativity Media is going back to the good book for ideas — I mean the Bible, of course. They’re currently in talks with The Exorcism of Emily Rose director Scott Derrickson to direct Goliath, a retelling of the classic biblical tale. It’s based on a screenplay by John D. Payne & Patrick McKay.

If you were for some reason getting your hopes up, stop. Derrickson also directed the visually interesting, but dreadfully dull and uninspired remake of The Day The Earth Stood Still, where he somehow succeeded in getting Jennifer Connolly to look less interesting than Keanu Reeves.

This one will once again tell the tale of Goliath the giant, but with a different slant to it. Goliath is sent to track down David, the future king, and eventually an epic battle ensues. So no word on whether or not Goliath will issue his twice-daily challenges, and the battle between the two is certainly not particularly epic in the original telling. But the part of this story that brings the most joy is this paragraph from Variety:

Project’s being developed as a retelling of the biblical tale of David and Goliath in the spirit of films like “The Bourne Identity,” “Taken” and “300” — set in ancient times but with a modern feel.

A biblical story. Inspired by The Bourne Identity and Taken? And 300? What does that even mean? It’s going to be all green screens and shakey cams and CGI muscles and TELL ME WHO I AM/WHERE SHE IS!

Hollywood, thank you for giving me joy on this day, you bumbling pack of drunken jackasses.

The Bourne Identity.

[shakes head]


TK Burton is an Editorial Consultant. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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