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No Time for Love Dr. Jones

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Industry | June 9, 2010 |

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Industry | June 9, 2010 |

It’s curious that all the trade news insists that Spielberg, Lucas, and Ford are getting moving on a fifth Indiana Jones movie since there never was a fourth one. [Sigh]. Will power on its own just isn’t enough to repress memories. I guess I’ll just have to try head trauma again.

So, we’ve got a collection of quotes, some old, some new, all depressing:

Harrison Ford back in January: “I think it would be interesting to deepen the relationship between he and his son and play on that relationship. … It’s full of opportunity. The series is full of opportunity.”

(source: Cinema Blend)

Shia LaBeouf (every time I spell that, I have to look it up. Ever wonder where all the missing vowels in the German language are? They’re in “LaBeouf.” All of them.) said last summer “Steven (Spielberg) just said that he cracked the story on it before I left, so they’re gearing that up.”

(source: Senior Jones Analyst Dustin)

And now, for the win, a source inside the studio told Stuff that “George (Lucas) and Steven (Spielberg) have been working on a script and it’s almost there. Harrison is on stand-by for filming next year. This looks like being an emotional and exciting conclusion to the franchise, with Indy facing his biggest challenge yet. Shia LaBeouf has a central role again as Indy’s son but this will be a blockbuster made in the old fashioned way rather than the CGI efforts of the last movie.”

Right, because Lucas finally learned his lesson, and the fifth time is the charm when learning how not to use CGI. The really big news dropped by this completely unconfirmed and anonymous source who I’m sure is the second coming of Deep Throat? Bermuda Triangle.

Oh for Christ’s sake. The more shit like this gets pumped out, the more I just get convinced that neither Lucas or Spielberg have the slightest clue what actually made Indiana Jones a brilliant film. Even though the kernel of the original story sprung from the old B-movies and sci-fi serials, it wasn’t the hokey adventure crap that made them transcendent. It was the raw charisma of Ford, combined with a deep respect for the thirst for knowledge and history. For all their swagger and charm, they were at their heart morality plays about the difference between seeking knowledge for its own sake and seeking it for power’s sake. Those were the nuances that gave the character soul, made him more than just another cocky adventurer delving in the supernatural. Take out those nuances and all you’ve got is yet another sequel to The Mummy, which is all Kingdom of the Crystal Plot Contrivance amounted to.

Breaking update! A common household product that you are probably consuming right now definitively causes shrunken testes and cancer - but first! The Bermuda Triangle news has been debunked according to a tweet from USA Today writer Anthony Breznican: “Lucasfilm tells me flat-out: #IndianaJones 5 rumors, Bermuda Triangle, etc, are completely bogus. Not happening.”

I was pretty sure that USA Today was written by a computer program, so this just proves that those computer programs can now use phones and twitter. So SkyNet is now a teenager. Also, Lucasfilm is the source that said that Indy 4 was good, so it just is not a credible source. But now that this has been debunked, we’ll let you know if anything becomes suddenly bunked besides that beloved header picture.

(source: SlashFilm and the venerable TK)

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Steven Lloyd Wilson is the sci-fi and history editor. You can email him here or follow him on Twitter.