Marcus Nispel Does Not Understand the Riddle of Steel
Marcus Nispel’s Conan film, due out next year, frankly terrifies me. I have absolutely zero faith in it. Of course, for nerds like me, Conan is a favorite character of mine — I’ve read several of the original Robert E. Howard stories, as well as a few of the more contemporary ones (particularly those written by Robert Jordan and L. Sprague de Camp). The original, John Milius-directed Schwarzenegger film is, while a woefully inaccurate portrayal, still an enjoyable, if somewhat insane, sword-and-sandals romp (though we don’t have to mention the sequel).
All of the information that’s come out about Nispel’s version is pretty much lousy, however. A few months ago, I recapped what we know so far, and it’s worth revisiting:
- The director of Pathfinder and the remake of Friday the 13th.
- A lead actor (Jason Momoa) from “North Shore” and “Baywatch.”
- The screenwriters from A Sound of Thunder and Sahara.
- Script doctoring by the guy who wrote Halloween: Resurrection and The Crow: Wicked Prayer.
So basically, we’re fucked. Anyway, in case you give a crap, two new photos of Momoa as Conan have been released. First, we have an action shot, replete with rippling muscles and still drops of water. Also, he appears to be passing a Cimmerian kidney stone. Take a lookie:
Next, we have a production art shot.
Nice skirt, jackass.
So. Marcus Nispel appears determined to let me continue with my impression that this film will aggressively and repeatedly blow fetid goat balls. I’d love to be wrong, but the signs certainly don’t point that way.