It’s Saturday night. You’re probably in your underwear, checking the computer after your significant other has already gone to bed. You can’t sleep. Tina Fey on “SNL” doesn’t interest you right now (what’s wrong with you?). You’ve already choked the goose or burned the brush or whatever it is you kids call it these days, and you still can’t sleep. But at this point, Internet porn does nothing for you. You’re bored, and you’ve already read all the celebrity gossip or checked all the sports scores. The NYTimes hasn’t updated in hours, and you’ve already perused all the “Most Popular” stories. Nobody is saying anything at all interesting on Twitter, and it’s because they’re all like you: Sitting in front of a computer in your underwear on a Saturday night. “Scratching myself, listening to an infomercial, and drinking the last beer a buddy left here at a party six months ago,” just doesn’t sound like a Tweet you want to leave. Maybe on Facebook. They judge you less on Facebook.
In the midst of all this, you check Pajiba again. Still nothing new, and the comment diversion either doesn’t interest you or you’ve already left a comment. Why the fuck hasn’t Dustin updated the site, you mutter to yourself, knowing that he’s been adding three or four posts on Saturdays for the last few months. (Dustin was hungover today, thank you very much).
Then you see this post, And you’ve read this far, and you’re like: “Thanks, douchebag, for reminding me of what I’m doing on a Saturday night. It’s obvious you’re not hanging at the Playboy Mansion yourself, ass-wipe. You’re posting this aren’t you?”
Anyway, you ask: Who’s that mop-top Clearasil poster-child fucker at the top of this post, and what the hell does he have to do with Spider-Man, you’re finally asking. Well, I’ll tell you if you’d just put on some fucking pants.
That’s Logan Lerman. He was the lead in Percy Jackson and the Olympians. Didn’t see it? Yeah. Me neither. Young-adult greek mythology flick? No thanks. Anyway, this kid, who was also in 3:10 to Yuma and he was Bobby in “Jack and Bobby,” is apparently the leading candidate to take over the role of Spider-Man in Marc Webb’s reboot. Of course, this isn’t confirmed. In fact, back in February, there were rumors then that he was set to take the lead. But it feels a little more certain now. That’s because a dude close to the situation told Drew McWeeny over on Hitflix that Lerman is “‘almost 100% locked’ but not in contract negotiations for the role yet.” McWeeny has kids. You can trust a man with kids.
If Lerman gets the role, that would mean he beat out folks like Anton Yelchin, Jesse Eisenberg, Patrick Fugit and Johnny Simmons. I’d have liked to seen Fugut in the role, personally, but the others didn’t really seem to fit.
And that’s the story. You heard it here first (unless you were checking other movie blogs in your underwear). Now, you can return to your infomercial and, if you so desire, you can remove your pants again.