Meet the New Jackie Kennedy
You are, I can only assume, fucking shitting me.
Great Codswallowing Buddah O’Malley. This one takes the taco. In the long, storied line of stupid fucking casting decisions that we’ve been forced to suffer through, this one is near the top of the heap.
Let’s begin with a quick look at Katie Holmes, wife of the Supreme Grand High Scientological Super Couch-Jumper King (also known as The Cruiseinatrix to lower tier Scientologogians) and her past acting history. She was in “Dawson’s Creek,” which I’ve never seen and never will, regardless of how many people tell me “no, really, it was actually pretty good.” Fuck you and fuck your television. She was in Batman Begins, where she was woefully miscast and thankfully replaced in its sequel, although there remains to this day an ongoing war about who was the better Rachel Dawes. I am baffled by this. OK, I mean, I get that you might not find Maggie Gyllenhaal attractive — I disagree, but to each their own. But can you seriously call Katie fucking Holmes the better actress? Thank God that character got her shit blown up so this debate can’t go any further. Oh, spoiler warning by the way — and fuck you if you haven’t seen The Dark Knight yet.
Where was I? You people need to stop distracting me. Oh, right. Katie Holmes roles. She was recently in the indie Extra Man, which Dustin mostly liked, though he said Holmes felt out of place. She was in… um… The Gift, which is legendary for being the movie where she dispassionately showed her cans. She was in that stupid bank robbery movie that I refuse to look up the name of. Honestly, Go and Wonder Boys are the only other good films she was in, and Go was good in spite of her, not because of her.
I’m sure that Katie is a very nice person. She’s quite pretty, and seems to be a good mom despite being a Scientolozombiebot and married to Crazypants Cruise. But she’s not a particularly deft actress. Which is why, of course… of fucking course… her next role will be…
Yes, that Jackie Kennedy. The History Channel is planning a mini-series based on the life of the Kennedy family. Greg Kinnear will play JFK, Barry Pepper will play RFK, and the fan-fucking-tastic Tom Wilkerson will play father Joe Kennedy Sr. And Joey goddamn Potter will play Jackie Kennedy.