Hey, here’s something you shouldn’t give a shit about but that Dustin bullied me into doing as revenge for me making him write about He-Man last week. Remember when we told you that a group of crack-smoking monkeys were going to make a movie out of the old children’s toy Stretch Armstrong? Much as I’d love to tell you that the project was cast into the fires of Tartarus, I simply cannot do that.
The film, which will star marble-mouthed meathead and Twilight star Taylor Lautner, he who spends too much time flexing his biceps in the hopes that it will prevent people from realizing that a pile of rhino dung can act better than him, now has a director and a script, although the script will go through rewrites.
The director is Rob Letterman (Monsters Vs. Aliens, a film that Agent Bedhead could best describe as “on par with any other average theater experience”… high praise indeed). The original screenplay, and I use the word “original” in the loosest possible way, was penned by Steve Oedekerk (writer of works of genius such as Evan Almighty and Nutty Professor II: The Klumps). Now, Universal has, in an effort to try to make the film suck less, hired Nicholas Stoller to rewrite the script. Stoller actually has some decent writing credits to his — oh, wait. Never mind. He wrote Fun With Dick and Jane and Yes Man, as well as the upcoming Get Him to the Greek. He’s a decent director, though, who brought us the excellent (seriously, this time I’m not being ironic) Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
The question I’m sure you’re all asking is: Why fucking bother? It’s a stupid concept, with a talentless meatsack of an actor, that will likely cater to the lowest denominator. Why even spend the money? Just scrawl a few lines on a fruit roll-up and feed it to Lautner, and let him mumble his way through it. Create a few action scenes, and boom! Your theaters will be flooded with teenagers and slack-jawed morons, you’ll make millions, and blood will rain from the skies.