Remember yesterday when I said I generally enjoy movies about animals? We need to make one glaring, massive exception: if it’s not animated, animals should never speak. Ever. EVER. No good can ever come out of it. Animals are like babies — they shouldn’t speak in films, and when they do, the filmmakers should be thrown into a volcano.
For example: Dark Horizons is reporting that ContentFilm has picked up the rights to The Dog Squad: 3D, which has a plot synopsis that will make you want to smash everything in your line of site:
(it’s) about an overweight and lazy Bulldog (Donut), a disgraced former Police Dog (Clint), a sassy Lady Mutt (Samantha), an overly timid Guide-Dog (Bert) and a shamelessly womanizing Chihuahua (Hector) in a hilarious and outrageously entertaining live-action adventure that’s fun for all the family.
“Hilarious and outrageously entertaining,” eh? I. Don’t. Fucking. Believe. You.
The film is being directed by Les Mayfield, who has subjected us to numerous crimes against humanity, such as Blue Streak, Flubber, and Code Name: The Cleaner. It’s written by Steve Carpenter, responsible for the screenplays for Blue Streak, Soul Survivors and The Man. I can only hope that these two jackasses cry themselves to sleep every night with the knowledge that they are the very definition of what is wrong in the universe. Likely, they just snort piles of cocaine and bang hookers. I hope they get syphilis and dick cancer.
Oh, and it’ll be a CGI/live-action hybrid that will, of course, be in 3D.
I’d like us to all take a moment of silence for poor Agent Bedhead, who you know is gonna get stuck with this review.