film / tv / politics / social media / lists / web / celeb / pajiba love / misc / about / cbr
film / tv / politics / web / celeb


Coming to a Beach Near You: Heidi Montag's Shark-Killing Boobs

By Dustin Rowles | Industry | April 15, 2010 |

By Dustin Rowles | Industry | April 15, 2010 |

That brilliant fucking brain inside the rattling head of Heidi Montag wants to write a movie, folks. That’s right — screenwriting does not actually require an ability to spell correctly or form a coherent thought, so why not? Ms. Montag has been going around town — apparently on the heels of the giant ego boost selling a whopping 658 copies of her music CD has given her — telling folks that she’s ready to write and star in her own movie.

What would the 23-year-old thespian make a movie about, you ask? Apparently, she’s already scrawled out a screenplay on her iPhone in text speak about — and I’m not kidding here — a lifeguard named Summer who saves the beach from sharks using her boobs.


That’s right. How her boobs will save an entire beach full of people is something of a mystery, though my guess is that she kills it in the same way that those plastic soda-can rings strangle ducks: She’s just going to smother that shark with her womanhood. And guess what? She wants Dolly Parton to play the mayor.

(Quick: Without looking it up, what decade was Dolly Parton born in?)

Oh wait: There’s more. The movie should be in 3D (of course), and Montag describes it as Barbie meets Bourne, which is funny because if Bourne met Barbie, he’d beat her to death with a periodical. “”I want to be blonde tomb raider, i’m better with guns then both Angelina [Jolie] and Megan fox put together!” she Tweeted to her million followers.

One million followers. One million people are interested in the empty 140-character thoughts of Heidi Montag.

(Related: Since I no longer keep up with gossip, I had no idea this woman had had such extensive plastic surgery. I don’t think Jesus would’ve approved).

(Source: News in Film)

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.

The Least Interesting Personality to Ever Inspire a TV Show | The Billy Goat Humper Will Be Played by Diane Keaton | News: Joss Whedon to Rewrite The Avengers, And A Captain America Exclusive