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Because the Universe Hates You, An Ongoing Series

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Industry | May 3, 2010 |

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Industry | May 3, 2010 |

Anecdote #2702 of why I hate people:

I was standing in a book store a few years ago, right around the time that the final novel of Stephen King’s The Dark Tower series came out. A couple rooted their way through the new releases, tucking a couple of mysteries under each arm. The female half of this couple held up The Dark Tower (which as a reminder: the cover is Roland standing in front of the Dark Tower in the field of roses, holding one rose in his hands) and says “look, a new Stephen King book.”

Male half asks “I thought he wrote horror.”

Female half says “He does.”

Male half asks “Then what’s with the fag cowboy?”

Female half shrugs. “I don’t know.”

Book goes back in pile. When my aneurysm subsided, I filed the anecdote away in the “arguments for building atomic weapons in my garage” pile. It’s substantially larger than the arguments against pile.

In any case, we’ve got big related news! JJ Abrams will not be the one adapting The Dark Tower to screen, instead Ron Howard’s company has taken over! Ron Howard will direct, Brian Grazer will produce and … wait for it … oh wait for it … oh it’s prairie-dogging … arrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhh … Akiva Goldsman will be writing the script.

If you don’t recognize the name, it’s because you’ve had unlicensed psychic surgeons excise the memory with a mixture of hypnosis, drugs and synchronized swimming. Goldsman is the one who wrote Lost in Space and Batman and Robin, known in industry terms as “movies so bad they’re legally war crimes under the Geneva convention.”

Aren’t there government agencies to stop this sort of thing from happening? What the hell is the National Endowment for the Arts doing if not regulating who the hell can touch great works? The state has regulations and licenses for fucking barbers but anyone with a keyboard hooked up to his rectum can freely touch great art in the bad places as long as one company bought the rights from another company?

The only way they could make this worse at this point is if they cast Shia LeBeouf as Eddie, Tom Hanks as Roland, and hired Stephenie Meyer to write the “official” novelization. Or they could just re-release The Stand mini-series with “The Dark Tower” duct-taped onto it. It’s shitastic and bears just as much resemblance to the novels as the finished product coming out of this fiasco.

I’m going to go do something with a chainsaw and gasoline.

(source: SciFi Wire)

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Steven Lloyd Wilson is the sci-fi and history editor. You can email him here or follow him on Twitter.