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Assembling All The Avengers News Is Getting to Be a F**king Chore

By TK Burton | Industry | April 2, 2010 |

By TK Burton | Industry | April 2, 2010 |

Oy. Another day, another batch of news regarding Marvel Comics’ Avengers movies and related films. It’s a non-stop barrage. Don’t expect a break anytime soon, since The Avengers isn’t coming out for another two years. That’s two years worth of news and rumors, folks.

Oh, don’t act like you geeks don’t love this shit. I know I do. This is why I persuaded Dustin to let me write this one, so you don’t have to sit through more uninformed geek-bashing. The man has no respect for his audience, I swear.

Then again, I don’t respect y’all either. But at least you’ve got decent taste in comic books.

Anyway. Where the fuck was I? Right. Let’s boogie:

1) Bucky Barnes! Ugh. Captain America’s WWII-era sidekick. A thoroughly boring character, until he got slightly cooler when he was captured by the eeeeevil Russkies and brainwashed, becoming the cybernetic super-assassin, The Winter Soldier. I’m guessing that won’t come into play in The First Avenger: Captain America (seriously, that title is fucking cumbersome). Regardless, Bucky has been cast, and will be portrayed by a thoroughly boring actor, Sebastian Stan, who has been in absolutely nothing noteworthy, other than bit parts in Rachel Getting Married and The Education of Charlie Banks (the latter of which I’ve not seen, so I could be wrong. But he seems pretty dull). The only other movie of his that I’ve seen (regretfully) is The Covenant. So, forgive me if I don’t jump for fucking joy.

2) Iron Man 2 is finished. Dunzo. Complete and ready for release, right on schedule, according to director Jon Favreau’s Twitter page. Ah, Twitter. Bite-sized news for the new millenium. No, Dustin, I am still not getting a fucking Twitter account. I waste enough time on the goddamn internet with the rest of you howler monkeys.

3) News on The Avengers itself.

But first, a moment: Let me just say this: I loved Iron Man. Almost embarrassingly so. I want to make sweet, dorky love to it. I love everything I’ve seen about the sequel. I’m relatively confident that it’s going to rock the fuck out. I thoroughly enjoyed the entertaining, if somewhat flawed, Incredible Hulk. I’m pretty interested in Thor, although less because of the character (who I’m not particularly fond of), and more because of the players involved — Brannagh, Hemsworth, Portman, every fucking other person in the universe. There was a tidbit of news about how cool the costumes are, except that it came from a comment in an AICN talkback, and that’s about as reliable as a cheesecloth condom. But still — it looks pretty damn interesting. Captain America, so far, is underwhelming, but I’m hopeful.

What I’m getting at is — Marvel has now set the bar for The Avengers so high that it can only be seen from fucking space. It’s going to have a serious problem with the army of geeks who are slavering over the project. Fuck, it’s two years away and I’m writing like my 80 billionth article on it. I’m getting fucking carpal tunnel because of that one single franchise. Good luck, Marvel. Get a good director, is what I’m saying.

So, that said, let’s continue with #3 — The Avengers news. The news is that there’s a new director on the short list, and that name is official Friend of Geeks and all around cool guy — Joss Whedon.

April Fool’s!

OK, just fucking with you. He really is in talks to direct The Avengers. It’s actually a great idea. He can clearly do great work with genre films (Serenity), he is a known player with great cred in the comic book universe (The Astonishing X-Men, which I re-read whenever I want to rinse the foul tang of X3 out of my brain), and in my not-particularly-humble opinion, he’s a better option than Louis Leterrier, who’s the only other name we know is on the short-list. The catch is, of course, that much as we love Whedon, he doesn’t actually have that much directing experience when it comes to major feature films. And this one will be seriously major. He’ll have to wrangle some serious star power. So we’ll see.

Oh, and those of you Whedon-haters who are going to waste valuable comment space telling people to get off Whedon’s junk and how much he sucks and blah blah blah? It’s a nice day. Go outside. Get a hobby. And while you’re out there, feel free to dig a hole and bury yourself in rotted dicks.

TK Burton is an Editorial Consultant. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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