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Oh, Suck It

By Aquaman, Guest Writer | Industry | July 27, 2010 |

By Aquaman, Guest Writer | Industry | July 27, 2010 |

Big fuckin’ deal. I don’t know why everyone gets their goddamn land-panties all syrupy because of a stupid Green Lantern movie. Like anyone gives a shit. The guy wears a ring. Yippee for you, douchebag. You know who you are without the ring, Mr. Jordan? Another dumbass flyboy who can’t get laid. You think Carol Ferris would even waste her time with you if you didn’t have the ring? Fuck no. Personally, I think she’s just got a thing for green tights. Hey, you know who’s got two thumbs, talks to fish, and also wears green tights?

This guy. Yeah, that’s right. Alls I’m sayin’ is, when she goes loco and turns into Star Sapphire, I’m makin’ my move, baby. Dolphin rides all around.

That’s fucking right, you big green pussy. So why don’t you take your lame-ass fucking ring and form a dick, since you clearly don’t have one, and then feel free to go fuck yourself with it. And the rest of you ungrateful assholes — go ahead. Mock the king of the sea. I told you before, the next motherfucker who says shit about me or Aqualad (I know, I know, he’s a bit of a poof, but cut the dude some slack) is gonna get strangled by a squid, dismembered by hammerheads, and raped by dolphins. Not in that order. Dicks.

Anyway, let’s take a look at the new posters for you fucksuckers (click to enlarge).

First, we’ve got The Lantern (Ryan Reynolds) himself. Whoopie fuckin’ doo. Hey, what happens when you take a leak? You know, with the whole allergic-to-yellow thing. Do you pass out every time you touch it?


Next up, his hooker girlfriend (Blake Lively). Who, incidentally, is gonna end up being a serious bitch one of these days. I’m just sayin’.


Now, we’ve got the one for Hector Hammond (Peter Sarsgaard). Hey, you know what’s cool about Hammond? He’s got a big fuckin’ head. That’s it. What a douche-guzzle.


Finally, the big red ass-monkey himself, Sinestro (Mark Strong). Hey, pigfucker, Ron Jeremy called — he wants his mustache back. And while we’re at it, here’s some sunblock, you fucking ballbiting shit-swallower.


Not that I’m bitter or anything. Not that this fucking planet is 70% fucking water or anything. Meaning that I basically OWN 70% of your goddamn planet. But do I get a movie? Noooo. I get some goddamn fuckstick on “Entourage” playing me in a fake movie. Fuck you guys. You’re lucky I don’t fill your beaches with lampreys and electric eels, you goddamn ingrates. Hey! Don’t you ignore me! I’m the king of the motherfucking sea! HEY! I’M TALKING TO YOU!!!

(source: Slashfilm)

TK Burton is an Editorial Consultant. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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