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Natalie Dormer's Mouth, Vince Vaughn Is a Dick, and NFL Week 12

By Lord Castleton | Industry | November 25, 2014 |

By Lord Castleton | Industry | November 25, 2014 |

What can you say about a week that had this catch? That should be the universal marketing image for the NFL as it branches out to foreign countries. You know the NFL? American Football? No? Watch this.

Drop the mic, football fans. It’s over. That was the high point of everything. From now on everything is just paper bowls of Weetabix. With water. So instead of running through every game, chronicling the uselessness of, say, the Titans, I’m going to throw out a few things off the top of my head.

Natalie Dormer is lovely. When she’s not doing that thing with her mouth.


Tell me that’s not a ray of sunshine right there! That’s a magical elven girl you can take home to mama. And that’s some pretty kick ass Mata Hari eye-shadow she’s got cookin’. But when she does this crooked duckmouth thing? No! Stop it!


Want an extra Super Bowl? You got it!

Because the Patriots are going to Lambeau field to play the Packers this week and these are the teams I think you’ll see in February. The Pack looks to be heating up. Eddie Lacy has done away with the training wheels and is running like someone tucked an angry barracuda down the front of his trousers. Aaron Rodgers. I mean, knock it the fuck off.

Richard Rodgers did his taxes waiting for that ball to drop in. Keeeee-rist. And the defense is coming alive. I think they drop this game to the Patriots but win their next four against the Falcons, Bills, Bucs & Lions.

Side disclaimer: The Patriots won’t get to the Super Bowl if they have to play the Ravens in the post season. Most people think that The Giants are Patriots kryptonite, but ask any NE fan. It’s the Ravens.

I’m not thrilled at all about the assembled cast for True Detective Season Two.

With all due respect to the lovely and talented Ms. McAdams, this cast is a tub of chicken-fried shit. Yes, Colin Farrell can be good. Sometimes. And when he is he’s great. But when is the last time we’ve seen that? Aaaaaand we’re scrolling….we’re scrolling….


In Bruges. 2008. Okey doke. But at least he’s good when he’s good. Taylor Kitsch? He’s bad when he’s good. Like, if he’s only sort of D+ shitty in a movie, like John Carter or Battleship you’re like “He wasn’t that bad.” Yeah, if you’re rating him against a banana, then no, he had the ability of thought and movement, so he wins. What we all love Taylor Kitsch for, if we’re just being honest, is Tim Riggins. And let’s face it, his hair did 79 percent of the acting in that role.


And lastly, Vince Vaughn. As if that train wreck of confounding eyebrow pudding wasn’t enough, now we get to have this thing in our living room every week.


Every time I see Vince Vaughn in a movie it reaffirms that I’ll never understand the tastes of the American people en masse. Because Vince Vaughn is a prick. People think he’d be bros with you, like in Old School. He wouldn’t. He’s his own bro. If you take the most obnoxious fast-talking characters he’s played and distil them into a penis that’s approximately the size of a human, that’s who he is. He’s the kind of guy who embarasses other people in public for the fun of it. I’m telling you, lest I was vague, he’s a giant D-bag.

That being said, he’s truly as quick witted as any of his characters and he’s got natural, god-given comic timing. You can’t teach that shit. If there’s a way to reap some black comedy from him, maybe they’ll wring a performance out of him. If they’ve nabbed him at just the right time in his career, where he looks in the mirror at the nasty, mean-spirited prick he sees there and wishes it all could be different? Then they might have something. If he actually takes direction? Then they might have something. If he knows that True Detective is the Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates of public opinion and one solid season of it can wipe away a thousand piss poor, embarrassing choices?


….well then they may have something. If they’re offering Vince Vaughn salvation? They may really, really have something.

And I’ll say this, Colin Farrell is just fucking broken. He’s an old soul trapped in a body that nets him exactly the wrong type of attention for his personality and he just wallows in drunken, mystifying sadness most of the time. Not a douche, though. A lovely bloke. A lovely Irish bloke to the bone. A bloke who has the weight of a thousand Vulcan moons on him at all times. A bloke for whom the entire world is a goddamn prison. That just might work for True Detective, actually.

Actually, now that I’ve bitched about it, I really love the cast of next season’s True Detective. They could be amazing.

Quick responses to people who have questioned my super-keen football eye in the comments section.

Yes! I think Dallas is ranked higher than Philadelphia. They have a better O line and a better running back, who I’d bet is probably on steroids. Kidding! (sort of) Also, Mark Sanchez. I’m sorry, but you can’t win anything with him. No one will ever win anything with Mark Sanchez at the helm. You can beat up on all the wimpy kids at recess with Mark Sanchez and for some reason it makes Philly fans think he’s good. What the Packers did to him? That’s how it’ll go if the Eagles play any good team with just a competent defense. It pains me to ever say anything nice about the Cowboys, but they’re built better for a run than the Eagles are. Not that I think it’ll matter, of course. Neither team will be anywhere near the prize this season. For the record I love me some Chip Kelly and I love what the Eagles are headed for, but even he can’t coach around Mark Sanchez. Sorry.

Yes, I suspect the Kansas City defense! It’s true they’ve played well, but I see them as not strong enough to overcome the weaknesses of the offense. Source: Raiders.

Yes, I think Bill Belichick is the best coach in NFL history. I stand by that. Even Mike McCarthy has more wins than Vince Lombardi. None of the great coaches of yore could put together the phantasm that is his offense on a week-to-week basis. None of them could build teams that win 14 years in a row in a salary cap structure. None of them could sign a headcase like Legarrette Blount on a Thursday and use him as the focal point of the ground attack on Sunday. He is a wizard.

Yes I think Rex Ryan is a genius. A defensive genius, but a genius. I disagree that he foments chaos, but I can’t completely refute it either. Maybe it’s the strength with which his players connect with him. The way his former players talk about him and how everyone steps up and seems to play harder for him, especially at the end of last year. And if you take the people quotient out of it entirely, no one can beat his defensive game planning. With straight X’s and O’s, he’s a master.

Eli has two rings, it’s true. But he’s no Peyton. I wish I could have Eli over for dinner once a week. He’s a wonderful guy, just not as good of a quarterback as his brother.

As long as the Chargers have Philip Rivers I’ll root against them. My spite is for him, not the team. It used to be for him and former general manager A.J. Smith, but at least that jerk is gone. Sorry, Philip Rivers manages to always make me dislike him. His personality, mannerisms, play style, in-game chirping. You name it. He’s a dick.

About the Cards being one and done? I stand by it. It’s because they don’t have a quarterback. I like Drew Stanton but he’s not good enough to take them on a run. Even Bruce Arians, who is so amazing I can barely type his name without applauding, can’t coach around having no offense. Fitz is dinged. Floyd is what, not relevant? (Who saw that coming?) And Ellington doesn’t have the body to run for the long haul. Did you see what the defense did this weekend? Seven sacks! Seven! A blocked field goal. They held the Seahawks under 300 yards of total offense and still lost by more than two touchdowns. That’s why I say one and done, sadly. I’m with you, Cards fans, it’s a goddamn injustice. They have the team, they just need a starting caliber quarterback. And they don’t have one. Arizona and Cleveland are my cinderella teams I’ve been pulling for all year, but we can only hope for so much.

Yes, Michael Caine is always awesome. I don’t care if you used a Super 8 to capture him shitting on a broken toilet in a Moroccan prison. He’d be amazing at it. If he decided not to show up at the Oscars it’s because God told him not to. I don’t care what you say about him. He’s the life force that compels the human race forward.

If I forgot anyone, the answer is yes I stand by what I wrote. And I’d love to twist your ear about it over a drink sometime. And thank you for commenting! I love muttering at my computer as my children look on from a safe distance.


I have as little insight into this as the next pontificating fool, (for actual intelligence, please read TK’s brilliant think piece) but instead I’ll cut and paste one of my favorite poems from one of my favorite poets. Miller Williams. This is the one he read at Clinton’s inauguration. Rings very true now.

Of History and Hope
We have memorized America,
how it was born and who we have been and where.
In ceremonies and silence we say the words,
telling the stories, singing the old songs.
We like the places they take us. Mostly we do.
The great and all the anonymous dead are there.
We know the sound of all the sounds we brought.
The rich taste of it is on our tongues.
But where are we going to be, and why, and who?
The disenfranchised dead want to know.
We mean to be the people we meant to be,
to keep on going where we meant to go.

But how do we fashion the future? Who can say how
except in the minds of those who will call it Now?
The children. The children. And how does our garden grow?
With waving hands—oh, rarely in a row—
and flowering faces. And brambles, that we can no longer allow.

Who were many people coming together
cannot become one people falling apart.
Who dreamed for every child an even chance
cannot let luck alone turn doorknobs or not.
Whose law was never so much of the hand as the head
cannot let chaos make its way to the heart.
Who have seen learning struggle from teacher to child
cannot let ignorance spread itself like rot.
We know what we have done and what we have said,
and how we have grown, degree by slow degree,
believing ourselves toward all we have tried to become—
just and compassionate, equal, able, and free.

All this in the hands of children, eyes already set
on a land we never can visit—it isn’t there yet—
but looking through their eyes, we can see
what our long gift to them may come to be.
If we can truly remember, they will not forget.

Isaiah Crowell. Finally.

You know I’ve been harping on the Browns to give him the rock. They finally did. I’m telling you this: he’s only going to get better.

And Hoyer the Destroyer is going to get better. Because Josh Gordon makes everyone around him better. And while he can sometimes seem to have a 5 cent head, look at this amazing play he makes on a botched reverse. He runs a few yards backward and throws a scorched rope 30 yards on a line to make this an incomplete pass. This could have been a game-altering mistake. But he turned it into a non-factor. Yeah, I like what I see happening in Cleveland.

I’m a sucker for a man who loves his kids We’re all suckers for that.

Here’s the big play.

And here’s T.Y. Hilton after the game.


Melisandre. That is all.


Look at Chance Warmack’s TD celebration. That’s 323 pounds of bouncing glory right there.

A video some gamers might appreciate.

Whenever I get the chance between all of the other demands of life, I like to play MMORPG’s. That’s massively multiplayer online role playing games. It’s a way for me to hang out with a group of friends that are now all over the country, and to pretend that I can shoot lightning out of my hands n’ shit. So my crew of gamers is a bunch of third-class idiots. Most of them have trouble logging on and when they do you have to walk them through every single quest or mission in the game. Like leading a child. A dumb child. Sometimes I sigh with the one other competent gamer in the group over our mumble or teamspeak server (we have both because one idiot wears a skullcandy headset that’s not compatible with mumble- aaaghh) when we see high end players kicking ass near us. Or wearing great gear. Or holding kick ass weapons.

If you’re ever in a sweet, elite raiding guild and you see six morons stumble into a boss fight in front of you and four of the six immediately hit the panic button and have their spines pulled out and then two of the six stage a heroic, futile but awe-inspiring attempt to fend off said boss and rez the dead imbeciles, using every trick imaginable from stim packs to healing spells to stuns and various crowd control and traps and maneuvers, and then ultimately failing and dying at the feet of the boss? That was us. And I’m 100% sure that as my character falls to the ground I yelled “GODDAMNIT!” and cursed out the others in the group in grotesque, impolite terms as they all whooped and hooted and laughed their asses off. It’s the only time I ever yell. I don’t even yell at my kids. But with our gaming group it’s gotten to the point where they derive more joy from listening to my vitriol than actually winning. They suck at gaming. It’s like trying to keep four hamsters from running into a wheat thresher. That’s a dangerous place to be.

So we just gave up on Elder Scrolls Online because we were tired of reconfiguring our add-ons after every patch and the group voted for Star Wars: The Old Republic. Okay, fine. So we all download the “free-to-play” game and after a couple of nights playing here and there I realize that it’s kind of a shit game. More than that, it’s making me remember how amazing my very first MMO was. Star Wars Galaxies. My god that was such a wonderful game. Way ahead of its time. I had a nice little house on Tatooine and a huge mansion just outside Theed on Naboo. Lakefront property. I used to hang with the guys and hunt Bantha. I was one of the few guys on my server who figured out how to make Aurelian fruit, which were the only things that could heal Jedi on the brink of death. I made a goddamn fortune selling them. If I had the type of money in RL (real life) that I had in SWG I’d be Elon Musk.

But this new Star Wars game? It’s got no soul, baby! It’s just this rat-in-a-maze kind of bullshit. But I’m stuck there for the time being because my gaming family loves it. I’m definitely getting FarCry 4 to do some solo gaming over the holiday weekend after Lady Castleton and the kids have sugarplums dancing in their heads.

Anyway, here’s a video my friend sent me when the SWG servers closed for the last time. I wasn’t there for it. I left right after a brutal, game-destroying change they made to it called the Combat Upgrade, but it still got me misty anyway. I’ll never forget running across the desert to Jabba’s palace or all the way up to Fort Tusken before the game introduced mounts. Fifteen minutes of running to get to Fort Tusken. Boy, those were the days.

Make sure to watch Packers vs Pats this weekend and may the force be with you all.

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.

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