Look, I don’t ask a lot of you folks. A few minutes out of your day, perhaps, in exchange for the many blessings that our fine web establishment provides, like adorable Paul Rudd or Felicia Day photos. But I would like to ask something of you. Maybe not today, but I would like to lay the groundwork for this.
I want Fat Kilmer to play Boss Hogg.
Now, last week, when I suggested 5 Potentially Awesome Roles for Fat Kilmer, the idea that he might play Boss Hogg was a pipe dream. There’s already been one reboot with Johnny Knoxville, and it didn’t gain much traction in Hollywood. Why would they even bother trying it again?
See, that’s where once again I underestimated Hollywood’s capacity for boneheadedness. Not that it’s officially a Dukes of Hazzard reboot YET, but word is that Jody Hill — “Eastbound and Down” and “Observe and Report” — is set to write and direct a movie set in the South in the 1970s involving an outlaw duo. According to THR, “sources” say that the ultimate plan is a Sam Peckinpah-like reboot of The Dukes of Hazzard, which — come on — sounds kind of great. And you just know it’d probably end up starring two of Jody Hill’s regulars, Seth Rogen and Danny McBride and Bo and Luke Duke.
It’s also exactly the kind of Dukes of Hazzard movie that would be wise to cast Fat Kilmer in the role of Boss Hogg. I mean, it’s perfect. A darker, seedy version of the movie with a truly corrupt town mayor instead of a funny-corrupt town mayor. Fat Kilmer could bring his Heat intensity to the role, and take advantage of his newfound girth.
So, this is my favor: Once it’s officially revealed to be a Dukes of Hazzard reboot, I want to start on online campaign to cast Fat Kilmer as Boss Hogg, and in doing so, I would very much appreciate your support, and the support of your friends and family. I think if we all worked together, we could make it happen.
If it falls through, I do have a back-up plan: A sequel to Top Gun with Fat Kilmer in the role of the aircraft carrier.*
(*It should be noted that, while all the information in the above post is true, the entire piece was an elaborate excuse to make the Top Gun joke, a joke that Seth came up with late last night while he was drunk and asked me to find a way to work it into a post).)