As Courtney reported earlier today, the revival of cult favorite Mystery Science Theater 3000 has a premiere date on Netflix. This means that you have until April 14th to do as I say and watch these classic MST3K episodes to prepare thyself. Go to YouTube and google ‘em, kids. Or buy them from Shout Factory. Whatevs.
105 - The Corpse Vanishes
Bela Lugosi plays a doctor who kidnaps a woman so he can extract her life juices and make his wife young again.
The episode isn’t the first one to introduce MST3K to a national audience, but it does have Joel Hodgson as Joel Robinson, Trace Beaulieu as Dr. Clayton Forrester and the voice of Crow T. Robot, and Josh Weinstein as Dr. Laurence Erhardt and the voice of Tom Servo.
208 - Lost Continent
An expedition to the South Pacific is trying to recover an atomic-powered rocket that disappeared in the area. Instead, the team finds dinosaurs.
Kevin Murphy joins the cast as the voice of Tom Servo and Frank Conniff takes over the Forrester sidekick role as TV’s Frank. If you are like me, hearing anyone other than Murphy voice Servo is strange, so maybe do a couple of Weinstein episodes back-to-back and then this one to prep yourself for the new Servo voice.
This time, I got the whole movie for you.
302 - Gamera
A giant turtle-monster attacks Japan and makes best buddies with a boy.
“Gamera! Gamera is really neat! Gamera is filled with meat!” This was my kid’s first favorite MST3K episode, so I suggest you watch it too. She later fell in love with The Crawling Eye and still holds it up as one of her favorites.
422 - The Day the Earth Froze (AKA Sampo)
This joint production of Finland and Russia (USSR) is just as insane as one might think. I would love to break it into a short synopsis for you, but you really can’t condense crazy. BRING ME A SAMPO!
512 - Mitchell
This episode was said to upset the film’s star Joe Don Baker, but he made the shitty movie in the first place. A gross, alcoholic police detective annoys everyone he comes into contact with, and hires a prostitute (Linda Evans) who inexplicably falls in love with him. Oh, this is all while trying to bring down criminals while making his superiors angry.
This is Joel’s last episode and the first to feature Michael J. Nelson as Mike Nelson. We also find out why they had all of those boxes of hamdingers aboard the Satellite of Love. Here’s the full movie, kids.
606 - The Creeping Terror
A slug monster that looks like a carpet terrorizes a town.
701 - Night of the Blood Beast
After being launched into space, an astronaut crashes to Earth where he dies. OR DOES HE? The reanimated astronaut was followed home by an alien that wants to teach humans things. Or murder them and implant its babies in their guts. One of those.
You also get the completely glorious short Once Upon a Honeymoon.
801 - Revenge of the Creature
Gill-man is captured and taken to Ocean Harbor Oceanarium where he is on display. The creature takes a liking to Helen Dobson and kidnaps her. He also goes on a RAMPAAAAAAAAAAAAGE.
Bill Corbett takes over as Crow T. Robot from the departing Beaulieu. Mary Jo Pehl takes over as Pearl Forrester, the previously seen mom of Dr. Clayton Forrester (also Beaulieu). We also get Kevin Murphy as Professor Bobo.
904 - Werewolf
Joe Estevez, brother of Martin Sheen and uncle to Charlie and Emilio, sort of stars in this movie about archaeologists. Well, it isn’t really about archaeologists. While excavating bones from a dig site, the drunken asshole and man of many hairdos, Yuri, picks a fight with Native worker Tommy. They fight and Yuri scratches Tommy with one of the bones. A WEREWOLF BONE.
908 - The Touch of Satan
A guy stops at a random walnut farm to eat his lunch when he encounters a young woman. They decide to spend some time together with her family. Also, she made a deal with Satan and is like 200 years old.
910 - The Final Sacrifice
I will only say this: ROWSDOWER!
1006 - Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues
There is no Boggy Creek I, by the way. There isn’t much of a legend, either. Basically, a college…something takes some students to the woods to track down a legendary creature. There are tight pants, hillbillies, and archaic technology everywhere in this movie.
1013 - Diabolik
This is the last episode of the series, until the new one premieres on Netflix.
Now, watch those and then go back and watch ALL OF THEM IN PREPARATION FOR THE COMING OF THE NEW. ROWSDOWER SMILES UPON US AS MASTER APPROVES.