I hope none of my colleagues at the other movie blogs take offense to this, but goddamn, movie bloggers — by and large — are huge fucking dorks. Or maybe they’re just geeks. Or maybe they’re seriously straddling the line. I’m not up to date on my classifications. Is it a dweeb, nerd, dork, or geek that turns over the tiniest bit of minutia over and over and over until they’ve extracted every last bit of fun out of it for both themselves and everyone else?
Whatever it is, that’s what movie bloggers have been doing with myopic fervor this week ever since Hitfix broke news that there’d be a super-duper secret teaser trailer for a J.J. Abrams movie ahead of Iron Man 2. A teaser trailer that Abrams put under some combination lock that wouldn’t open until Thursday night before the midnight Iron Man 2 screenings. At the time, Hitfix suggested that the movie was related to Cloverfield. And ever since that moment, the movie blogs have been scrambling to see who could ruin the surprise first. What a putsch! There have been countless posts devoted to this topic: theories, rumors, half-truths, and inside sources, both reliable and unreliable. At one point, Vulture unearthed a vague, meaningless one-sentence description (which I believe has since been proven wrong), and the wrists of movie bloggers across the land got a second wind as dozens more posts were devoted to the speculation.
Since then, it’s been discovered that the trailer has nothing to do with Cloverfield, which sent off another round of speculation until, finally, alas, Slashfilm finally got complete details and transcribed them scene for scene. Of a teaser trailer. (Credit Slashfilm, however, for discouraging people from reading it, especially if they plan on seeing Iron Man 2).
Here are the non-spoiler-y, something else to get excited about besides Robert Downey, Jr., bullet points for the teaser trailer: It has nothing to do with Cloverfield. The movie is written and directed by J.J. Abrams, with Steven Spielberg as an executive producer. And the movie is set in 1979. (I believe there is also some speculation to the effect that the hammer is my penis, as well. I’ll leave that to the professionals to explicate).
That’s really all you need to know. And you don’t even need to know that much.