I fucking love Conan the Barbarian. Let’s start with that.
We all know a new Conan flick is on the horizon. They’ve got a director that I don’t trust worth a damn — Marcus Nispel (Pathfinder, Friday the 13th). They’ve got their Conan — Jason Momoa, whose resume reads like a selection of the worst that television has to offer: 78 episodes of “Stargate: Atlantis,” 21 episodes of “North Shore,” and 44 episodes of fucking “Baywatch.” They’ve got a potential villain being played by a guy whose name is, hand to God, Raw Leiba.
I guess what I’m saying is, it does not look particularly promising. Another way of saying it is, “are you fucking kidding me with this bullshit? It’s fucking Conan! A property loved and revered by geeks everywhere and you’re putting it in the hands of these donkeys?”
So, the newest news is that Corin, father of Conan, might be cast soon. The man who will impart great wisdom upon Conan. A man who will teach him life lessons. That man may well be… Mickey Rourke. Now, of course it’s a movie and he’s an actor, but I just love the image of Rourke being the one that you’re taking fatherly advice from. Useful advice like — how to pick the best hookers, where to score the best blow, the sort of thing that was sadly lacking from my upbringing. I had to learn that shit the hard way.
I’m getting sidetracked. Anyway, so there’s that, which is somewhat positive. The original script was written by Thomas Dean Donnelly and Joshua Oppenheimer, who teamed up before to write the screenplays for Sahara and A Sound of Thunder. Aw, fucking balls. Well, the good news is that they’ve hired Sean Hood to rewrite the script. Hood wrote the screenplays for Halloween: Resurrection and The Crow: Wicked Prayer.
You know what? Dustin passed this story on to me like he was doing me a fucking favor. After digging all of that shit up, I want to move to the wilderness and set this goddamn website on fire. I hate you all.