The news surrounding yet another Spider-Man reboot in the wake of the disastrous last reboot and the agreement between Marvel and Sony to work together has been so long and arduous — and full of so many rumors — that an official announcement can’t be anything except anti-climactic.
And that’s exactly what it is.
Tom Holland has been cast as the next Spider-Man. He will make his first appearance in Captain America: Civil War. You know him as that guy from Wolf Hall, except that you never watched Wolf Hall because you were watching Game of Thrones.
He looks like this.
I know. He looks like every white teenage boy. It’s because you’re old. I’m annoyed too. But, as you may know, we found out in the Sony hack that Spidey is contractually required to be white and straight.
The new Spider-Man franchise will be directed by Jon Watts. You’ve never heard of him, either. All the other up-and-coming directors have already been snatched up by the other Marvel movies and Star Wars. Jon Watts directed Cop Car, which debuted at Sundance. You’ll probably love it when it comes out, and maybe then you’ll be retroactively excited about this announcement.
Somehow, however, I doubt it.