Although Variety, of course, is not attributing him, CHUD’s Devin Faraci (great , smart writer, real-life preachy, buzzkill douchenut) broke the news last night that Marcus Nispel has landed in the director’s chair for the Conan the Barbarian remake.
Infidel Defilers. They Shall All Drown in Lakes of Blood.
The good news: Bret Ratner, previously circling the project, won’t be handling the remake duties. The bad news: Marcus Nispel (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake, Friday the 13th remake) isn’t a huge upgrade. He does have some experience directing sweaty men, however; he directed C&C Music Factory’s “Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now).” He also directed 2007’s terrible Pathfinder, which — according to my own review — makes him appropriate for this remake. In that review, I wrote that the movie was about what you’d expect:
Namely a lot of shirtless men; cheesy, sweat-filled action sequences; incredibly bad lyrics; zero substance; and a weird homoerotic vibe. But you gotta hand it to Nispel: For anyone aching to see an unintentionally hilarious, campy throwback to Conan the Barbarian-style flick, you’d be hard pressed to find anything better than Pathfinder, a loose remake of the 1987 Oscar Nominated Norwegian film, Ofelas, though there is absolutely nothing Oscar worthy about this movie, unless the Academy decides to include a new category for superfluous penis waving.
All of which is to say: I suspect that Nispel will keep the campy throwback vibe alive for the remake. And he is pretty good at decapitations. Don’t expect a PG-13 film, thank God. But don’t expect a good movie, either.
Thomas Dean Donnelly and Joshua Oppenheimer (Sahara, the forthcoming Cowboys and Aliens) have already written the script.