Dear Ryan Gosling,
I read a little news snippet today that left me deeply disturbed. First, let me say that I’ve been so impressed with your subtle and nuanced acting; I really think you deserved an Oscar nomination for Blue Valentine. If you want to know the truth, I’d rather you were nominated over Michelle Williams—though she did a fine job—yours was the better piece of work. Though I’m late to the Gosling party, I was so affected by your performances in both Blue Valentine and Lars and the Real Girl, I feel I have to step in when I see you’re about to make a huge mistake.
You know Johnny Depp, right? He, too, has been a fine actor over the course of his career and he also started out with some quirky roles that played up the strength of his subtleties and facial expressions. But somewhere along the line he got sucked into a Disney film and there has been no turning back. He’s practically a caricature these days, between his goofy Captain Jack Sparrow and that Ménage à trois he has going with Burton and Bonham Carter. So you can imagine my concern when I read that you are considering taking on The Lone Ranger, with Johnny as your Tonto.
Don’t think I don’t realize the allure of those big Disney bucks and the young girls fawning all over you; I am not so naive. I can practically envision the whole thing in my head. I know this could make for a great, goofy comedy and I can see you taking the Ranger somewhere he’s never been before, turning his seriousness into farce. I have no doubt audiences would be left hysterical and you, Johnny and Disney would end up megakazillionaires (well, two of the three already are). We’re talking practically the same team here: Verbinski, Bruckheimer, Depp, but please…think about your career. Depp got into the Pirates series because of his kids, you have no reason to step off the plank this early. There will be plenty of time to turn yourself from respected actor to mindless buffoon. Heck, maybe your team can set this up for the later years and you boys can make Lone Ranger: The Golden Years. Just promise me you’ll take some time to think this through. Picture yourself in a few with long hair and moronic glasses, wondering where it all went wrong. If you make this movie, I’ll tell you where: right here, this very moment, when you ignored my sage advice and impassioned plea. Don’t do it. Johnny coulda had an Oscar…