Yesterday I unveiled my newest invention, the The Schmaltz-O-Cheezinator 7000™. Today, I bring you the next step in its evolution, the Horror-DerivaClichemaster 5™. Same basic premise, only this time, it spits out cheesy, uninspired horror movies.
First up? One By One, which “follows a villain named Railroad Jack the Reaper and his carnival of destruction called Death’s Door. When a bus carrying a group of teens crashes on a deserted highway, Railroad Jack picks them off one by one.” So, a little bit House of 1000 Corpses, a little bit of Jeepers Creepers (underrated flick, by the way), and a whole lotta nothin’. The cast is one of the more bizarre ones — Sally Krikland joins Douglas Tait (a stuntman who recently starred in Star Trek as “Long Faced Bar Alien” and as a Sleestak in the putrid Land of the Lost remake), and horror icon Tony motherfuckin’ Todd.
I fucking love Tony Todd. He’s been in about 3 good movies, but I still love the sonofabitch. In fact, his involvement all but guarantees that I’ll see this. It’s the first film to come out of new production company Kilo Entertainment, and will be produced and directed by its founder, Kimberly Seilhamer
Next, we have Brittany Murphy who did not, as I may have hoped, fall through a black hole into oblivion. She’ll be starring in another incredibly creatively titled picture, The Caller. A shiny nickel and a kick to the crotch to whoever can outline the plot without reading any further.
The Caller stars Murphy as a “troubled divorcée, Mary Kee, who begins to receive mysterious phone calls from an unknown caller and she quickly begins to feel haunted in her own home. When she discovers that the person is calling from the past, Mary realizes that she will have to kill her in order to survive but how do you kill someone living in the past and what will happen if she fails.” You want to know what will happen if she fails? Nothing. Because that idea is moronic. And casting Brittany Murphy? Also moronic. Remember the last good movie she made? ME NEITHER. BECAUSE IT NEVER FUCKING HAPPENED.
Anyway, it’s part The Lake House, part When A Stranger Calls, and part oh fuck me why do I do this to myself? Matthew Parkhill will direct the film for Alcove Entertainment. Stephen Moyer (Bill from “True Blood”) and Luis Guzman will co-star. Luis, dude…
I’ll see you all in Hell.