Two years ago, director P.J. Pesce saw fit to reduce Corey Haim to a mid-credits cameo in Lost Boys: The Tribe, which was both a celebration of douchebag vampires as well as an entirely anticlimactic follow-up to Joel Schumacher’s 1987 cult vampire flick. As far as straight-to-DVD efforts go, The Tribe sold deceptively well (290,450 DVD units or roughly $5 million worth), thanks to a few decades of pent-up demand as well as the inevitable sheer curiosity factor. However, any desire to see the franchise continue was quickly sated by The Tribe’s utter disregard for any semblance of vampire mythology. The spectacle of those so-called surfer vampires also left no unquenched thirst even to those unfortunate enough to have witnessed this sequel in the depths of the most unforgiving cinematic desert.
Not to be deterred by titular irony (or, for that matter, common sense), a third installment has been helmed by Dario Piana and — according to an unsubstantiated rumor — not only continues the tradition of disregarding its origins but also, unthinkably, pays tribute to sparkly vampires of the Twilight variety. The news only gets worse from there. According The Thirst’s trailer, the Frog Brothers — Edgar (Corey Feldman) and Alan Frog (Jamison Newlander, resurrected from an alternate ending of The Tribe) — are tasked with saving the entire human race from annihilation. Naturally, this all makes very little sense (why would vamps wipe out their primary food source?) unless these just happen to be Cullenesque vegetarian vampires.
Nonsensical storyline aside, the trailer below would lead one to conclude that The Thirst, visually speaking, looks like a slightly better movie than The Tribe. That is to say that the action looks halfway decent, but you’ll still need to mute your speakers to avoid the crappy overhaul of “Cry Little Sister” as well as Feldman’s narration. Of course, Feldman remains the lone publicity generator of the entire franchise — dude even goes on record to state that anyone who watches The Thirst “will know the depths that my art has mirrored my personal strife and how they resurface as one” — henceforth, we are now reminded of just how terrible this movie shall be. And man, Edgar Frog is looking mighty rough:
Agent Bedhead lives in Tulsa, Oklahoma. She and her little black heart can be found at agentbedhead.com.