Dear Hollywood —
Take your head out of our fucking asses. A Pet Sematary remake? Really? Twenty-two years was all you could hold out, huh? Fuck it. Why not. What else have you got to do? Make an original movie with original characters? Pfft. That’s Bush league. Not when there’s a 25-year-old novel about bringing people back from the dead so you can sex them.
And is anyone surprised that Lorenzo di Bonaventura is behind this? After all, he brought us Transformers and G.I. Joe. The man lives in the past. Clearly, he can’t deal with the fact that he can’t come up with a new goddamn thought. So, what does he do? He trolls through his DVD collection, or a book shelf (not his own, since he doesn’t read — all those words and all) and he picks out the first title that grabs his attention.
This week it’s Stephen King’s Pet Semetary, a movie that wasn’t particularly good, and one that wasn’t particularly successful at the box office. But Lorenzo di Bonaventura, he’s a savvy man. Dumb as a motherfucker, but savvy. He understands that most of the youngin’s haven’t read the book (what with not reading) or even seen the movie (pre-1990 may as well be black and white to the kids). And he also knows he doesn’t even need to make a good movie. That’s what marketing is for, people! A couple of nice sequences for the trailer, a voice-over narrator who says, “From the demented mind of Stephen King,” and Mr. Lorenzo di Bonaventura banks a cool $50 million.
At least he found a decent screenwriter: Matthew Greenberg, who wrote 1408. Oh wait, nevermind: He also wrote Reign of Fire and Halloween H20. He’s just a hacky hired hand. A di Bonaventura whipping boy. A paycheck humper.
Well, I hope he humps that green until his balls fall off.