Some of it is bad news, some of it is good, but rest assured everyone involved in any way wants to come to America and take your jerb. Today, we will take a whirlwind tour through the trade news of the other hemisphere, the one us colonists always tend to neglect.
First stop is Russia by way of our old friend Britain, both lands of tea, soccer, and royal hemophilia. The BBC is adapting Tolstoy’s War and Peace into a six hour miniseries, which sounds like a lot until you remember that the book is so dense that six hours will be about enough time to give each character about 30 seconds of screen time. Tolstoy actually published up to a dozen different drafts of the novel, which included a couple of completely different endings. Now if this was America, we might have people vote on an ending, but the Brits will probably do something classy like following literary precedent or some such. Boom. Europe down.
Now, let’s look to Asia. You might recall that during the nineties, Titanic was a monumental success in China. I know academics who were in China during the year that Titanic hit who still can’t hear Celine Dion without collapsing into a seizure. Well, a Chinese company has built a replica of the Titanic that is set to sail in 2016, with some fans being quoted as being willing to pay up to a million dollars for a ticket. The ship will sail the exact same route as the original Titanic, but thanks to global warming isn’t too worried about hitting an iceberg this time around. I guess we’ll need to use torpedoes this time.
Next, let’s talk Africa, South Africa to be specific. Reeva Steenkamp, a model, law school graduate, and star of a new reality television show called “Tropika Treasure Hunt” was shot to death last week on Valentine’s Day by her boyfriend, Oscar Pistorius, who made the Olympics as a runner despite not having legs. Let me visual aid that for you:
So, the cyborg apocalypse has begun in South Africa.
Last continent in the Eastern Hemisphere is Australia. The only news from there are snakes and spiders.