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Let's Take a Sweet and Innocuous Daniel Radcliffe Interview and Twist It Into Something Offensive and Condescending!

By Dustin Rowles | Industry | June 4, 2013 |

By Dustin Rowles | Industry | June 4, 2013 |

My thoughts about a Daniel Radcliffeinterview published People Magazine.

Even though the former Harry Potter star, 23, doesn’t know “when or who” he’ll have a baby with, he insists he “definitely” wants to have kids.

“I’d like to get started on it before my thirties,” he tells Time Out: London magazine in its issue coming out on June 4. “I like the idea of being a youngish parent so I’ve got energy to play football even though they’ll be better than me by the time they’re four.”

What the hell is this, Radcliffe? A dig against older parents? You don’t think a parent in his or her late 30s or 40s has enough energy to kick a ball around? That’s a pretty ageist thing to say. There are plenty of older parents who are capable of playing football with their kids without their goddamn walkers getting in the way.

And what’s this about a four year old being better than you are at soccer? That’s a fairly presumptuous thing to say. I know you think you’re coming off as self deprecating, but in reality, you’re making an assumption that — just because the kid comes from the magical loins of Harry Potter — he’s going to be more athletically inclined that most four year olds. I have a five year old, Radcliffe, and I assure you that you’re better than him at soccer. Does that make your theoretical four-year-old child better than mine? You smug prick.

Speaking of football, Radcliffe says he’s “definitely going to be one of those parents who pushes their kids into things” - namely, sports, “not the film industry.”

Why does it have to be one or the other? Why can’t you let your child choose in which direction he wants to go? From what I understand about parenting — and that’s not a lot, since I only have three kids — it’s important to let your children follow their own paths. Why would you even limit them to sports or the film industry? There’s nothing wrong with a doctor or a barrister, or even a barista. The important thing is to love your child no matter what.

You’ve got a lot to learn about parenting before you dip into that end of the pool, jerk.

Jokes the actor, “I will have to find a very tall wife if they’re going to be good at sports.”

Oh, so that’s how you think romance works? You just pluck a tall woman out of the world, and assume that she’ll bear your children because you were in a film once? You know what’s better than choosing a mate based on height? Choosing a mate based on love. Is this how you Hollywood types think? You pick and choose your mates based on certain physical characteristics? That’s a slippery slope, my friend. You’re one step away from genetically modified children. Why don’t you just clone yourself, and adjust the DNA settings on height, huh? God knows you have the money for it.

I’ve grown up around lots of people who were having kids when I knew them, because a lot of them were a lot older than me,” Radcliffe says. “And I saw the wonderful change in them. I see that it gives you a sense of purpose that up till now I only really get from work. I want that [purpose].”

Woah! Woah, back up there, Radcliffe? Are you saying that people who don’t have children have no purpose? That life truly has no meaning unless there are children in it? You know, Daniel, there are plenty of people in the world who have somehow managed to live purposeful and fulfilling lives without spreading their seed all over the damn place. But that’s how you celebrities think, isn’t it? You just can’t be happy unless there are miniature versions of you running around in the world. The ego!

“I am planning to get a couple of tattoos,” he said. “It’s going to sound really pretentious, but there’s a [Samuel] Beckett quote I really like which I’m going to get tattooed on me. ‘Try again, fail again, fail better.’ That’s what I’m about. I heard someone say growing up is about aiming to succeed, but being fulfilled by failing very well. I agree with that 100 percent.”

Beckett? Really? That does sound really pretentious? So, being rich and famous is not enough for you? Now you have to advertise your intelligence, too? That’s pretty smug, Radcliffe. I know a lot of people who are perfectly happy with Stephen King quotes tattooed on their arms (“French is the language that turns dirt into romance.”)

And what’s this about “being fulfilled by failing very well”? Just FIVE MINUTES AGO, you were saying that fulfillment comes with having children? Which is it, hypocrite? Failing well or having children? That’s a lot of doublespeak. Besides, what would you know about failing well? You’ve been riding J.K. Rowling’s coattails for the better part of your life. You’ve made hundreds of millions of dollars from waving around a little stick. If that’s failure, then sign me up for a lifetime of it, you pompous little jack ass.


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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.