Let's Pick Apart the First 9 Minutes of '12 Monkeys', the SyFy Series
SyFy, the channel so terrible it named itself that, is bringing 12 Monkeys to the small screen in series format. Starring Aaron Stanford, Amanda Schull, and Kirk Acevedo, the series follows Cole (Stanford) as a time traveler intent on preventing the plague that kills off most of the human race. In order to get people to tune into the series premiere on January 16th, SyFy (typing that pisses me off) has released the first 9 minutes.
00:22 - The voiceover sounds very Elias Koteas as Casey Jones in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. It makes me feel like when I used to climb the rope in gym class, which is to say a little frightened an unable to hold up my body weight.
00:49 - So, is dirty face here supposed to be the Bruce Willis character? Where is his breathing suit? Where is the bald head and smirk? He’s got the lip herpes.
1:20 - The show employs the patented vaseline lens used on Barbara Walters and…HOLY SHIT I JUST REALIZED THE DUDE PLAYING COLE IS PYRO FROM X-MEN.
5:29 - I was intrigued for four minutes? I didn’t even mention the boyfriend’s movements all sounding like he was unwrapping every piece of candy in an industrial-sized vat at the movie theater!
5:47 - Pyro is awfully damned Batman-voiced and gasp-y. Calm your ass, Pyro. Take a hit on your inhaler and maybe a Xanax.
7:10 - So if someone shows me a stopped watch that looks like my watch, I should go ahead and give credence to all of their inane ramblings? That’s going in the Dealing With Nutbags book I’m writing.
7:32 - Oh. I’ll just…uh. The next time the lights flicker or I hear a rumblin’, I’ll be looking for time travelers in my kitchen.
Well. That was certainly interesting, but it only served to make me interested in watching the original movie again. I loves me some insane Brad Pitt in that movie.
I won’t be putting SyFy’s 12 Monkeys into my very limited television rotation until it clears at lease one season with ample Pajiban praise. You?