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It's About Damn Time

By TK Burton | Industry | August 12, 2009 |

By TK Burton | Industry | August 12, 2009 |

Why not. Why the fuck not. With the news that Battleship, Monopoly, Uno, Candyland, Boggle, Viewmaster, Chutes and Ladders, Jacks and Dry-Humping-Buddah knows what else in development, why fucking not make a LEGO movie. I’m honestly shocked it hasn’t been announced sooner.

Yes, folks, hot on the heels of their massively awful, yet massively successful Transformers and G.I. Joe franchises, Warner Brothers is making a movie based on your favorite plastic building blocks.

A movie. Based on plastic bricks.

I’m done. I’m DONE. What’s left? What is possibly left? I don’t give a shit about LEGOS. I stopped giving a shit decades ago when my mom, failing to realize how much I loved the damn things, gave them all away to some friend’s snot-rat of a child. So it’s not like I have a great deal of reverence for the LEGO line. I mean, they were and are still great fun, I’m sure, but I’m not outraged. I’m more just genuinely friggin’ baffled. What in the hell will the movie be about? At least there’s a story surrounding G.I. Joe and Transformers. A story that the producers fucked into a burbling, groaning heap of retarded, douche-nuzzling shitassery, sure, but a story. LEGO?


But see, that’s the beauty of it. There doesn’t need to be a story. The studios realize that now. You just need a few good explosions, some cleavage, a good set of abs and a drunken marmot on a typewriter, and bam! $50 million on the opening weekend. Pretty soon we’ll be paying ten dollars to watch a sixty foot screen filled with Lite-Brites and tits. Free napkins to wipe off the drool.

Nothing’s off the table now. Literally, nothing. Plastic building bricks? Fuck it, let’s do it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to finish my screenplay. It’s a futuristic horror-dramedy about navel lint. The franchise rights alone will make me rich beyond my wildest dreams.

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TK Burton is the Editorial Director. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.