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Dickless Kevin Smith Finally Hits Somebody

By Brian Prisco | Industry | January 4, 2010 |

By Brian Prisco | Industry | January 4, 2010 |

If you ever doubted the dangers of marijuana, just look at what it’s done to Kevin Smith’s career. He finally breaks into the semi-mainstream, and they’ve all but cut his balls off. A Couple of Dicks suddenly becomes Cop Out, and frankly, I’m too fucking sad to make the obvious pun. The trailer is all kinds of embarrassing. I expected The Last Boy Scout, and I’m getting Not Really In A Rush Hour.

The only saving grace is that I’ve never really seen a good trailer for a Kevin Smith movie. All the best parts are so raw and raunchy, they can’t possibly put those in the trailer. Plus, if you were making a hard action movie, you wouldn’t fucking hire Kevin Smith, so it’s got to be somewhat funny. But even Smith seems to be approaching the final project like he found it stuck to the bottom of his shoe after he woke up fiercely baked. Emptying his pockets on the dresser, he finds half a Turkey Hoagie from Wawa, a bloody condom, a crayon drawing of a naked lady with a bear’s head punching a shark in the vagina, and the DVD for this flick. What did you do, man? WHAT HAPPENED?

His next project sounds somewhat more promising: Hit Somebody, a hockey movie set to finally get shooting this year in Michigan, based on the Warren Zevon song written by Mitch “One of The Five People I’ll Be Sending To Hell” Albom. Kevin Smith knows hockey — it pops up in almost all of his flicks — and I can see this being all kinds of batshit awesome like Slap Shot. Then again, Kevin Smith knows comic books, and homeboy’s yet to score on that front at all. If his script was less filmworthy than Superman Returns…yeeeeeaaaaah.

Of course, I’m still waiting for tubby to drop the roach clip and get to fucking making Red State — his eternally back-burnered horror flick. Or how’s about that sci-fi flick he was gabbing about at Comic-Con? He’s starting to sound more like that stoner friend of yours who’s gonna get the band back together and he’s working on some really awesome, just some crazy shit that’ll blow your mind, bro. And in reality, it’s him mumbling Zeppelin into a Rock Band mic.

I love Kevin Smith, so it’s killing me. I’m sure Cop Out will be his biggest opening yet. I’m not counting him out yet. But’s he’s making it fucking hard to be a fan these days. I’m gonna close my eyes and focus on the stick-checking, bone-snapping badassness of Hit Somebody.

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