Kevin Smith Is a Giant F**king P*ssy
If you follow Kevin Smith over on the Twitter, I pity you. I follow Kevin Smith because I love the guy, but Jesus Christ: The man alternates between two personalities: Pitch-man, trying to sell his wares and promote his film (and the endless Smodcasts) or King of the Motherfucking Bitches. Everyone complains on Twitter — my God, it’s an endless stream of whiny motherfuckers who are either detailing every goddamn boo boo they’ve ever experienced, or taking umbrage with something someone else said or wrote. I bet you didn’t know that there were 140 characters in “YOU SUCK! PAY ATTENTION TO ME,” but that’s probably because you don’t follow enough movie bloggers on Twitter.
But nobody whines more than Kevin Smith, not even the movie bloggers who constantly whine about Kevin Smith. Lately, the dude refuses to shut the fuck up about movie critics and movie blogs and how they’re ruining society and sending us into a dark dystopian future where we’ll never be free to run Cop Out on a continuous loop until our fucking brains bleed out of our head. And Kevin Smith knows that movie critics are bad for society because, as he keeps reminding us, he’s got 20 years in the motherfucking business. He knows how to sell a movie and he doesn’t need to polish Pete Hammond’s knob to do it, which is of course why Kevin Smith has that long list of $100 million blockbusters on his iMDB filmography. Never mind that most of these movie bloggers write for movie blogs because they love movies — I’d understand if Kevin Smith couldn’t appreciate that, given how much most of them complain about everything. And that’s probably what they’ll do to Red State: Nit pick the shit out of it, call it the single most overrated film of all time, and six months later, put it on their Best Films of 2011 list. Typical movie blogger bullshit.
But Kevin Smith’s not going to put up with it this time. He’s got a plan. And that plan is to refuse to talk to the press. Except radio people, because interviewing with FM DJs with their obnoxious sound effects and their constant upbeat attitude is kind of like the President granting only interviews to local news anchors, who are too fucking star-struck to be critical. He’ll get to talk about Red State and bitch about movie critics and the film industry while receiving a reach around. Two birds, one stone.
As he said in a series of Tweets (via /Film):
I’m not press-junketing at all, anywhere. In fact, I’m not doing any press outside of maybe a business piece or 2 to help sell the flick if needed, & radio (LOTS of radio). That’s what http://smodcast.com/redstate/ is about: I’m providing all the information needed to write a story, if that’s what you’re looking to do. It’s INSANELY detailed, and by the time we’re done, I’ll have pre-answered all questions about RedState — thus negating the need to speak with me about it. From nearly 20 yrs experience, I know this much: folks are gonna write WHATEVER they want, whether I sit down with them or not. So I’ll just furnish all the information I’d normally serve up one at a time to a small, jaded audience that doesn’t really give a shit unless there’s someone famous in the room, to a much larger, APPRECIATIVE audience that would actually enjoy & benefit from hearing the same information … So rather than subject all involved to a painful waste of resources, time & money, I’m doing the RedStateOfTheUnion Q&A’s. It’s kind of like an audio press kit. We’re even transcribing them now, for the SUPER lazy writers who’ve already bitched about having to wade through 12 hours of audio so they can write knowledgeably about a subject. Nobody needs to talk to me anymore anyway, as anyone who’s curious can always know what I’m thinking 24/7 right here on Twitter.
So, basically a 12-hour audio press release? Thanks, Kevin. Because press releases are so helpful. Get the fuck out of here. You think you can sell a movie on Twitter? How long did Scott Pilgrim trend on Twitter? Like, 10 days? And how well did that do? Twitter will sell about as many tickets as a movie critic will, which is to say: Very fucking few.
Kevin Smith only wants to talk to an “APPRECIATIVE” audience. Why? Because Kevin Smith is a giant fucking pussy. Dude makes a bad movie, has a bad experience with critics, and he’s scared of the fucking press now. Oh, they might hurt his feelings again. He doesn’t want to talk to critics because they might be critical. Grow a pair, Kevin. You think Adam Sandler likes to do press, knowing that every critic in America hates his fucking movies? He does it, and you know what? His shitty movies make a fortune. This is not about bucking the system, or trying something new. This is about hiding behind his goddamn Twitter account.
Nobody gives a better interview than Kevin Smith — there are as many people that will pay to see that man talk as there are who will pay to see his movies. It’s his biggest fucking selling point. Use it. Don’t back away from the press. If the press doesn’t like his movie, he should tell them to go fuck themselves. But tell it to their faces, not in whiny 140 character increments on Twitter.
That teaser for Red State — which Smith says is all we’re going to get before the movie comes out — looks great. John Goodman. Stephen Root, and Melissa Leo are the tits. If Kevin Smith has a great movie, a movie he believes in, that he has confidence in, and actors that he wants to stand behind, Kevin Smith should get out there and fucking sing it from the rooftops to every jackass that’ll listen to his fat ass. He should pay critics to see it, so they know how fucking good it is. He should grow a spine and stand behind the movie. Be a fucking movie director and not some whiny Twitter spambot shilling a movie he’s too afraid to show to a critical audience.