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By TK Burton | Industry | February 10, 2010 |

By TK Burton | Industry | February 10, 2010 |

There is fuckall to report on today, folks. So little that I’m forced to take up the task of reporting on Rainbow Killer news. Yeah, that slow. I guess the entire entertainment industry is apparently just as paralyzed by the pending SNOWPOCALYPSE 2010 as Boston is. Of course, we’re only supposed to get 8-10” of snow, which ain’t shit around these parts. Apparently the lower East coast cities are gonna get the bear, to which I say: “Suck it, fools.” It’s about time someone other than New England got dickslapped by winter. I hope you never find your cars.

But I digress. Variety is reporting that Heigl, fresh off the mega-successes of such poignant, stunning films as The Ugly Truth and 27 Dresses, where she portrayed a shining archetype of independent womanhood and a beacon of light for feminism everywhere, will next be starring in Columbia Pictures’ One for the Money, based on the first novel in a series by mystery/thriller writer Janet Evanovich. And, oh, you’re gonna love the plot:

Heigl will play Stephanie Plum, an unemployed lingerie buyer who becomes a bounty hunter to make ends meet.

Hand to God.

First of all, didn’t we already see this movie? Substitute “lingerie buyer” (*snicker) for “model” and Heigl for Keira Knightley, and you’ve basically got the plot for Tony Scott’s vomit-cam extravaganza, Domino. Second of all… what in the hippo-humping, stomach-stabbing fuck? I don’t know shit about the novels, so I wiki’d the character name and this is what I got:

“She is a spunky combination of Nancy Drew and Dirty Harry, and - although a female bounty hunter - is the opposite of Domino Harvey. She is described by the author as ‘incredibly average and yet heroic if necessary.’

Evanovich claims the inspiration for Stephanie’s character came after watching Midnight Run starring Charles Grodin and Robert DeNiro, adding, ‘If Mickey Spillane wrote Archie and Veronica, Stephanie would be Betty.’ As the series has progressed, Stephanie has become more stable and responsible, and a better bounty hunter. ‘But truthfully,’ Evanovich says, ‘Stephanie has stayed the same more than she’s changed.’”

In other news, I now hate Janet Evanovich with the fire of a million hells.

No director has been attached yet, although I’m sure it will be someone legendary. The screenplay was written by Karen McCullah Lutz and Kirsten Smith, the juggernaut think tank behind standout classics like The Ugly Truth, She’s the Man, and The House Bunny.

This has so much potential. I’m already salivating over what is sure to be a glowing review from Dustin.

Muhahahaha! Eat it, Rowles.

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TK Burton is an Editorial Consultant. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.