In the interest of full disclosure, I don’t really get too upset about remake talk. I tend to fall into the category of “no one will actually care about this remake, and it doesn’t affect my love for the original.” Hell, even when rumors began swirling about a Harvey remake with Robert Downey, Jr., I thought, “you know, that might even be decent.” Given most remake announcements, I am at worst disinterested, at best mildly optimistic.
That is not the case with this news, the news that Justin Bieber might just be draping his luscious hair all over the 1996 Mark Wahlberg-Reese Witherspoon opus, Fear.
Yes, rumor has it that, in an effort to show what a badass bad boy he truly is—I mean, look at this hardcore hoodrat punk motherfucker right here—Justin Bieber wants to follow in the imaginary terrorist beating footsteps of Mark Wahlberg. And if that means strapping himself into a rollercoaster and digitally blasting one less lonely girl into the orbit of endless bliss, so be it.
There are bad movies you love ironically. There are bad movies you love in spite of their inherent badness. Then there are movies that people refer to as “bad” that you yourself are mentally incapable of understanding what is so bad about it. Fear is like that. People think it’s bad. I think those people eat paste, because Fear is the tits. And it does not deserve the stink of Justin Bieber’s Someday eau de Ulta-value-pack all over it.
Now, even better, try it with this one.
You’ve just added yourself to several watchlists. Wiiiiiiilld horses.
Of course, these are but rumors. Hopefully, baseless, stupid rumors. But, if by some terrible miracle this comes true, look forward to a PG-13 version of Fear in which nothing remotely sexual happens, no dogs are beheaded and Amy Brenneman’s luxurious curls are nowhere to be seen. Thanks a lot, Hollywood. Nicole 4 eva.