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Just How Important Is Celebrity Nudity? Would You Watch A Movie On The Off Chance You Might See Amanda Seyfried Naked?

By Joanna Robinson | Industry | January 10, 2012 |

By Joanna Robinson | Industry | January 10, 2012 |

Well, would you? Producer Patrick Muldoon is banking that you will because he describes Amanda Seyfried’s upcoming performance in Lovelace as “very risqué.” Well, okay, that can cover a multitude of things. Maybe, just maybe, he’s not talking about her body. Oh but then he hastens to assure us it’s “not about the nudity.” Gotcha. Okay. Then, as if to slather the f*cking icing on the Porn Biopic cake, Muldoon argues that Amanda Seyfried’s nudity is about empowerment. He explains, “thematically, it’s talking about how abusive the porn industry was to Linda Lovelace…yes, there’s a lot of nudity, but it’s a message movie about respecting women.” Ah, nudity as female empowerment, the hypocritical rallying cry of 2011. I thought we were done with you.

Listen, anyone with the merest scrap of movie sense knows that the nudity present in this film is not the stuff that sticky dreams are made of. Seyfried is too popular of an actress to go the titillation route. The best, THE BEST, you can hope for in this scenario is Indie Art House/Oscar Bait Nudity. And that, my dear friends, is a depressing prospect. Also, Peter Skarsgaard is involved. His kind of nudity is never the fun kind.

Let me put it this way. Did you see this movie because you were promised full-frontal from Halle Berry? Was it trashy fun? It was, wasn’t it?

Then did you see this movie for the same reason? Was it some of the most depressing film nudity you’ve ever seen? Did it make you want to take all the Silkwood showers?

How about this film? Natalie Portman’s first run at Oscar gold? Were you hoping for some feisty stripper scenes only to be met with cold, remote flesh? Sterile, droning dialogues?

And Portman’s second grab at glory? The only thing that saved this display from utter despair was the incendiary presence of Mila Kunis.
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Those hoping to get a peak of the famous Fasschlong were met with sour, harsh disappointment this year in that entirely unsexy skin flick, Shame.

Word to the wise, you’d do better with the buttoned-up smolder of X-Men: First Class. I know a turtleneck oughtn’t be sexier than full-frontal. But trust me, I’m an expert.

So, honestly, Lovelace producer Patrick Muldoon, who exactly do you think you’re fooling? I don’t care what magical properties Seyfried’s rack possesses, you won’t fool me. I know Depressing Oscar Bait Nudity when I see it. I’ll get my mammary fix elsewhere in 2012, thank you very much.

But, I don’t know, maybe I’m spoiled. I was brought up on a steady diet of Ewan and his McGregor. Is there a celebrity whose flesh you would absolutely pay to see? The tone of the movie be damned?

[Source: Film School Rejects]

Joanna Robinson gets her kicks above the waistline, sunshine.

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