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Jessica Alba's Ass Options a Graphic Novel

By Dustin Rowles | Industry | November 24, 2009 |

By Dustin Rowles | Industry | November 24, 2009 |

Is Jessica Alba trying to be taken seriously? After a decade of making horrible, horrible movies (The Eye, Love Guru, Fantastic Four, Into the Blue, seriously, how is she a star?), Alba looks like she might be turning a corner in her career. At least until she’s set to appear in Meet the Fockers next year.

Alba is already set to appear in The Killer Inside Me, alongside Casey Affleck, which actually comes from a legitimate goddamn director, Michael Winterbottom. (The NSFW trailer will disturb you, and actually does seem to be the rare case where a script calls for legitimate nudity). Alba has also completed filming on An Invisible Sign of My Own, and though I have no idea if the movie will turn out decent, the Aimee Bender novel it’s based on is fantastic.

In addition, Alba is now also set to star in The Insiders, based on a series of Belgian graphic novels that she optioned the rights to over the summer, partnering up with her Sin City director, Robert Rodriguez to make the purchase (which includes video game rights). Rodriguez is set to produce the film, which, according to ICv2, is about “Najah Cruz, a Columbian who is as deadly as she is beautiful. She has the weapons expertise and combat skills of a James Bond. At the secret request of the White House she infiltrates a worldwide mafia-like organization composed of businessmen and politicians and becomes the bodyguard of the organization’s leader.”

All right — so maybe I overstated it when I suggested she was turning a corner in her career. But, at least The Insiders will not be another “high-concept” romantic comedy or a disposable horror movie. In fact, it might even remind us of why she’s a movie star in the first place, which was because she was apparently pretty good in the James Cameron-produced television series “Dark Angel.”

We also know, from our inside source, that JCVD director, Mabrouk el Mechri, will direct The Insiders. I haven’t seen JCVD, the mock-action movie about and starring Jean Claude Van Damme, but it was apparently good enough to put Prisco “flat on his ass,” attributing much of that success to el Mechri.

I haven’t actually witnessed a decent performance from Alba, but as far as ass-kicking nikitas go, you could do worse than Alba. And as far as el Mechri is concerned, the only real talent he needs is an ability to point the camera at Alba’s ass and hit record. Wrap some decent action around that ass, and the result might actually be a watchable movie.

Who the fuck am I kidding? It’s gonna be atrocious.

It walks down stairs, alone and in pairs, and it makes that slinkity sound. It’s Ass. It’s Ass. It’s Jessica’s Ass. Everyone knows it’s Slinky!

(H/T The Hollywood Cog)

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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.