You’d think with all the attention being paid in Hollywood to hockey movies of late that hockey was an actual sport people cared about. Oh, sure: Every four years, we pretend to give a shit for a few weeks during the Olympics because when faced with 40 otherwise excruciatingly tedious Winter Olympic sporting events (curling? luge? ice dancing?), hockey actually looks appealing. But then the Olympics end, and the only time I hear about hockey anymore is in Kevin Smith’s tweets. You know how many NHL hockey players I can name? Two: Ryan Miller and Sidney Crosby. You know how many NHL hockey players I could name before Sunday? None. And I watch a lot of ESPN.
Nevertheless, just weeks after Kevin Smith announced that he’d be following up Cop Out with Somebody Shoot Me in the Head with Seann William Scott (assuming it gets a greenlight and financing), Jay Baruchel — who is promoting She’s Out of My League this week, so expect to hear a lot about his bullshit projects — announced that he’d also be making a hockey movie. And not just any hockey movie. The Raging Bull of hockey movies. As he told ComingSoon about Goon.:
“We like to think of [“Goon”] as a funnier ‘Raging Bull.’ It’s real mean, and it’s truthful, and it’s everything hockey is without any of the bullshit sports movie clichés, and it is dead funny. Lot of swears, that’s a hard R. It’s a very crass movie, there are something like 20 fights in it, but it’s the badass movie that hockey fans have been waiting to see their whole lives. It will be by far the best hockey movie since ‘Slapshot.’ Hockey fans have needed one for a long time, it’s a sport that movies never do well. Ours will be a fucking movement.”
Those are awfully strong words from the fucking sixth lead in Knocked Up and the voice of motherfucking Hiccup in How to Train Your Dragon. I’d like to hope there is some serious ironic hyperbole in that statement because I hope to God Sailor Joey Motorola in the Night of the Museum isn’t seriously making comparisons to Raging Bull and Slapshot since Baruchel is about as bad ass as lemon meringue. Although, Baruchel and Michael Cera could probably team up and make an epic hockey movie called Why Are These Shoulder Pads So Heavy?
Anyway, Baruchel is hoping to begin shooting Goon in August, but what he’d really like to do is direct, in particular a slasher film he’s writing called Pig, which is purportedly “a 21st century re-imagining of the slasher film with a lot of socio-racial commentary.” You know, because socio-racial commentary is what we all look for in a good slasher pic. That and boobs.