Big Trouble In Little China is the classic John Carpenter action flick that starred Kurt Russell, Kim Cattrall, James Hong, Victor Wong, and Kate Burton. It has everything one could ever want in a movie, like romance, fighting, a swaggering hero, and bad guys that look like they may have inspired Mortal Kombat. I’ve watched it countless times and always love it.
It’s a fucking masterpiece, is what it is.
Then the rumors started. It was inevitable, really. There might be a remake of Big Trouble In Little China. Hollywood was going to take one of my favorite movies and ruin the story or whitewash the cast or generally shit the bed when casting. If I wanted to watch Ol’ Jack Burton shake the pillars of heaven, I’d watch the 29-year old original!
I DON’T NEED A REMAKE. Fuck you, Hollywood. Assholes.
But…then came word that Dwayne “Franchise Viagra” Johnson was in talks to play Jack Burton in the remake. Dwayne Johnson and all of that gigantic, grinning charisma might be uttering lines like this:
Suddenly I was confused. Dwayne Johnson Good, Big Trouble In Little China remake Bad. If Good is star of Bad, does that make Good? DOES THAT MAKE GOOD?
Hollywood has taught us that remakes are empty shells of the original movies that have been filled with hobo sharts and rotten meat. Hollywood has taught us not to trust them. But, Johnson is so GODDAMN LIKEABLE and I trust him to be entertaining. I think Johnson can make this work. Johnson can get rid of the rancidity of a remake and make it spray rainbows made of unicorn joy, right?