Last night on “Idol:” The really nice, marginally talented white dude won over the more talented but somewhat distant unwed mother with dreads. It’s OK, though. The nice white dude has a nice smile, and he sings with a nervous quiver. Isn’t that adorable? For those of you thinking that the unwed mother is better off because she won’t have to work with the “Idol” recording label: Forget that. “Idol” owns the soul of the entire top ten. For life, or until the world forgets about them.
Also, lots of people who many of you listened to growing up came out to sing with this season’s “Idol” contestants in an effort to make you feel really fucking old. The common thread: You probably won’t see any of them again until next year’s “Idol” finale. Except for Joe Cocker. He’ll probably be dead. But for a guy about to die, he can still belt it.
Note, too, that Janet Jackson (the thinner version) appeared, as well as Hall & Oates. The fun thing about Hall & Oates’ appearance is that, in the last 20 years, Oates has inexplicably become the good-looking one. Bret Michaels also appeared to sing “Every Rose Has Its Thorn,” and I don’t know how the hell it happened, but that man has somehow won over America’s respect and adoration, either through simple longevity, his ability not to die, winning “Celebrity Apprentice,” or hosting a VH1 show that allowed him to get laid multiple times. The man who sang “Unskinny Bop.” How did that happen? Your guess is as good as mine.
That’s Bret Michaels and Jon Bon Jovi now who have inexplicably become Gen X icons in their old age. Now, we need only wait for the resurrection of Def Leppard’s Joe Elliot. All of Kurt Cobain’s efforts were in vain, people.
Also, Alanis Morissette showed up to show the world that, while she’s finally over her break-up with Ryan Reynolds, I’m still not. It should’ve been you, Alanis! Also, lady looked good.
Finally, Simon Cowell signed off after nine years. There were a number of segments devoted to him, all of which I fast-forwarded through (except for the Ricky Gervais bit). Paula Abdul also showed up, and though I didn’t hear her speak, she looked like her customarily wobbly self in FF motion.
I think that’s probably all you need to know. That, and the key to winning “American Idol” is similar to the strategy for winning “Survivor:” In the end, the weaker player who alienates the fewer number of people always wins. The difference is that on “Survivor” you alienate by pissing people off; on “American Idol,” you alienate in this order: being gay, not being an outspoken Christian, being an unwed mother, and being too aware of your own talent.