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It Don't Matter If You're Black Or White, So Long As We Can Make Some Green

By Brian Prisco | Industry | October 27, 2010 |

By Brian Prisco | Industry | October 27, 2010 |

He’s not had the chance to moonwalk out of his grave before Kenny Ortega has decided to once again agitate the corpse of Michael Jackson for some more cinematic dollars. Apparently, they’ve come up with the plan to turn the video for “Thriller” into a feature film. It’s supposed to be written by Jeremy Garelick, who wrote The Hangover, and according to Deadline, it’s going to deal with “Vincent Price and the folklore around the song.” Stick with the dick jokes and baby masturbation, JG.

A Michael Jackson video was always a cinematic unveiling. They were always fifteen hours long and involved sequences that had nothing to do with the song. Do you remember the video for “Thriller”? He turned into a werewolf and tackled his fiancee/steady girlfriend, but it all turned out to be a Vincent Price movie and then he chased her down and turned into a breakdancing zombie, but then it was all just her dream, only maybe it wasn’t? I’m as bewildered as the King of Pop hiding nude in a ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese.

If they are going to do this — and really, how the fuck are we going to stop them — I want this shit to be as bananas as an MJ video. I want ridiculous amounts of surprising and unnecessary cameos — George Wendt, Macaulay Culkin, Corey Feldman, Mariah Carey, Janet Jackson, one of his kids, Bubbles the chimp, Mikael Barishnikov, Gregory Hines, Billy Crystal, the 1985 Chicago Bears, Cyndi Lauper, Donald Trump, Snooki, Spencer Pratt, Latoya, Cher, Prince, Beyonce, Jay-Z, Lil Jon, Slim Pickens, Gene Wilder, Barry Sanders, David Berkowitz, Brooke Shields, Joey Buttofuoco, Howard Stern, Squeaky Frome, Willem Dafoe, Queen Noor, Miss USA 1989, Brett Favre’s Penis, Halley Eisenberg, Haley Joel Osment, Bill Haley and the Comets, Halle Berry, Chuck Berry, Frankenberry, Barry White, White Zombie, and Britney’s Spears Youngest Son. This better be a fucking musical. And frankly, I’m expecting it to be Step Up: Out Your Damn Grave. I want it to be told from the point of view of the zombies, where one rises out of the grave and infects everyone with a dancing virus, so it turns into capoeira and the weird thai drunken boxing from Raging Phoenix. I want it to end with them all getting double-tapped by Woody Harrelson and the entire cast of “Cheers,” “Night Court,” and “The Cosby Show.”

Barring that, I want it to be exactly like this:

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.

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