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I'm Only A Dolphin, Ma'am: Killer Sharks, Elvis Costello, And Other News For You To Swallow Whole

By TK Burton | Industry | May 25, 2011 |

By TK Burton | Industry | May 25, 2011 |

Hello there, you cretinous masses of worthless goo. Here’s a few things for you to read before getting back to your miserable, worthless existences.

Remember how some of us were sort of excited, or at least interested, after watching the newest Transformers: Dark Of The Moon trailer? Well, never let it be said that Michael Bay won’t find a way to let you down. If you’ve watched the first two movies, you know that Baynis has an inexplicable link with nu-metal buffoons Linkin Park, a band who you could probably add up their entire discography to make maybe one half-decent album (not counting Collision Course, which is actually quite good but mostly because of Jay-Z and Mike Shinoda). Anyway, here’s the soundtrack listing. It’s an absolute shit show:

1. Linkin Park - Iridescent
2. Paramore - Monster
3. My Chemical Romance - The Only Hope For Me Is You
4. Taking Back Sunday - Faith
5. Staind - The Bottom
6. Art Of Dying - Get Thru This
7. Goo Goo Dolls - All That You Are
8. Theory Of A Deadman - Head Above Water
9. Black Veil Brides - Set The World On Fire
10. Skillet - Alive & Awake (Remix)
11. Mastodon - Just Got Paid (ZZ Top cover)

Oof. Other than the Mastodon track at the end, that is a fucking nightmare. To make up for the rest of that mess, here it is. It’s not their best work, but it’s certainly the best part of that list:

To make things a little better, the Lone Scherfig-directed romance One Day has much more potential, soundtrack-wise. Songwriter extraordinaire and Rowlesian idol Elvis Costello wrote a new song, “Sparkling Day,” exclusively for the movie. This is a good thing.(via The Playlist)

Here’s the trailer for Kidnapped, written and directed by Miguel Angel Vivas. The story isn’t anything new, but the execution looks pretty damn intense and well-crafted. Unfortunately, the trailer is dubbed, but if you can get past that, it’s worth your time.

Oh, fine. Here’s a non-subtitled one. Don’t say I never gave you anything, you brats.

Wanna see my favorite movie poster of the week? Here’s the one for Shark Night 3D. It’s everything a great B-horror movie poster should be, and I gaurantee I’ll watch the ass off of it. Mainly because I like to see sharks tear shit up. And, yeah, bikinis don’t hurt. (Click to enlarge)


Finally, by now many of you have seen Zack Snyder’s Sucker Punch, despite my warnings. I watched it because it’s my job. What’s your fucking excuse? Anyway, the DVD will, unsurprisingly, be a “Director’s Cut,” otherwise known as “will include shit that will make it even more cumbersome and inane.” It’ll have an additional 18 minutes of footage, will be rated R, and will still suck moldering goat balls.

See you in hell.

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TK Burton is the Editorial Director. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.