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I Swear To God, Kenny Ortega, I Will Strike Your Fancy Ass Down: Dirty Dancing Gets a Remake

By Courtney Enlow | Industry | August 9, 2011 |

By Courtney Enlow | Industry | August 9, 2011 |

“Little hand says time to go Dalton all over the choreographer.”

This is one of those things that was completely inevitable, but inevitability doesn’t whitewash stupidity. Sometimes it just makes it double stupid.

Deadline reported yesterday that a Dirty Dancing remake has been officially confirmed by Lionsgate, and Kenny Ortega has been officially confirmed as director.

The new film is a celebration of one of the most beloved movies of all time. Paying tribute to the emotional excitement of first love, the thrills and complexity of sexual awakening, the soul stirring power of dance, and the classic tale of teenage Baby’s forbidden romance with Johnny Castle, the remake will incorporate classic songs from the 1960s, hits from the original film and brand new compositions.

Okay, I’m going to stop you right there. Songs from the ’60s AND “hits from the original film”? You know, I’m not asking that we throw in a Demi Lovato song at any point, but having ’60s and ’80s songs thrown in at random is ridiculous. For all intents and purposes, in the eyes of the 12-year-old girls who will see this, the ’80s and the ’60s might as well be the same decade.

“Amazingly it has been almost 25 years since the original film was released, but the fans remain legion, and engaged more than ever with a brand that is special and vital to them. We believe that the timing couldn’t be better to modernize this story on the big screen, and we are proud to have Kenny Ortega at the helm.” said Drake.

I hate when producers refer to a movie as a “brand.” It’s Dirty Dancing. Not “Hannah Montana.”

And that’s my problem with this. Kenny Ortega used to do stuff like this, ie, humping and hidden unknown actor boners.

Now, he does stuff like this:

Which is to say, spotlight asexual Ken dolls and cokeheads in the making as they G-rated jump clap for two hours.

Said Ortega of the project… “Patrick Swayze set the bar for men dancing in the movies as Gene Kelly and Fred Astaire did before him. I believe everywhere you look there is evidence that the talent is out there and I can’t wait to begin the process of discovering the next breakout triple-threats.”

Wait, what’s the triple threat part? *sigh* Are they going to fucking sing in this movie? Jesus Christ.

We exist in a world without a Swayze. Not just in the literal, still sad sense, but in the sense that the most masculine actor under 35 to possibly do this role might just be Charming Potato. And he’s already done the wrong-side-of-the-tracks faux-manly dancing movie. So, who’s going to be Johnny Castle? And if you say “Zac Efron” I will rip your throat out.

With that, I put it to you to quell my fears. Cast this bitch. Rules: 1) it’s cheating to cast Ashley Tisdale as Baby, and 2) Christina Hendricks has already been cast as the watermelons.